Fear-LESS April

Ok… so up till now I haven’t been afraid of doing anything else since that partial true confession.

So I made a move because I wanted to scare that person away and today I come with facts from my experiment as to why you should not make a move on men who don’t meet this standard at all!! ;D

And that’s why I don’t ignore my standards when it’s a man I really want to have something with. It avoids any kind of confussion regarding his actions.

Where and how I got confused?

Well, previous times I had texted him for other reasons he phoned back straight away. So I felt… wow… that was an unheard off interest. No man these days answers back with a phone call these days. And if he really wasn’t interested at all…. he could as well ignore my message and leave it like that.

On the only occassion I was able to see his character free flowing was when I wasn’t able to talk to him. And when he came he didn’t seem as fly with me as he seemed with other people .So I thought perhaps he too felt that kind of knife cutting tension.

The other confession which I thought could potentially break the spell, hasn’t worked like I thought it would. I’ve been too busy and hadn’t tried to reach out to him since that happened.

The woman in the video below could have the reason why conversation doesn’t flow freely between us despite of him having a clear green light for it.

I mean, perhaps we both intuintively read our vibes.

Me because I don’t want to hurt anyone by making them feel they can have me when I’m currently not emotionally available at all (and less for men who don’t meet my standards reason why I didn’t mind contacting him in the first place) and him for perhaps being scared too for catching feelings for a woman who has the potential to hurt him if he reads my vibes well. Because I’ve been sending deliberate vibes of “don’t, please don’t”. And also … by me initiating… is like me killing his manly instinct to chase me.

And that’s good because I just want to have a normal free flowing tension-free conversation and relationship with him. Get to know him and treat him just like I treat any other male these days (except from my other crush).

Whatever and regardless his attitude and my assumptions for it.

Since mid March I noticed all of a sudden his picture wasn’t showing anymore on Whatsapp and I wondered whether perhaps he chose not to put one or has got my phone removed from his agenda. I wasn’t bothered about him at all, but ever since I noticed I’ve been ruminating about this fact gradually since I noticed. It’s like something doesn’t really help me have a normal conversation with him and I felt hostility in the air.

For two weeks I had been considering whether I should text him or not regarding the Corona virus.

I felt like… “no, don’t do it, if you do, he’s gonna think “what a pest!!”. Yet at the same time I did not want to let the fear of whatever opinion he may get of me get in the way of me being myself and express concern about his well being.

Like I didn’t want to think either that he blocked me. Perhaps he had lost his mobile phone, replaced his Sim card, at that time one of my customers also had her profile pic not showing… so I really tried not to take it personally.

Yet, that obviously reinforced in me the vibe that perhaps whatever I had to text him about in the future will not be welcomed.

And that, my friends, that is fear. That is fear of not being interesting enough or important enough for that other person. And I said… who cares!!

But I felt the need to take some kind of action to either send his energy away or placate it.

The art of placation

And what is placating?

“If you are placating, you are doing things that some other parts of you might do to show love or to connect, but there is fear present.

Your motive for doing it is to calm down hostility or avoid hostility. You’re doing it out of the fear that there will be a consequence if you don’t do it or you are not doing it out of the fear that there will be a consequence if you do it.”

And like Teal Swan mentions on her video I am trying not to think of him as evil for not being open and honest about whatever reason he could have potentially felt the need to erase me from his phone. which I insist, it may not have been a deliberate action. Here is just me again sort of imagining or assuming the worst of his intentions.

As you know… these entries are all about being fearless.

And I was fearing his opinion of me if I reached out to him again (I haven’t since what you read in January).

Yet I did not want that fear to stop me from being my genuine honest self, which felt like reaching out to him and befriend him.

So using his only argument of his willingness to get to know the real me I felt like trying to have some kind of more light breezy tension free communication with him. Also… not to feel it’s him who is in control of this communication.

But really? does someone get so bored as to go through their contact list deleting contacts just because it’s been months they don’t talk to each other? I also get the feeling that this guy is like very private… extremely. Like back in the day when we first talked he had the not showing the blue tick already.

And again… that’s me thinking of the worst scenario possible for it. I knew it had nothing to do with me because it’s something he already had on his mobile phone when I first reached out to him. But it kind of worries me the reasons why would someone would not want to show when is the last time they were connected or whether they’ve reached a message or not.

But like I’ve said… these just may be my projections on him for whatever role I’ve decided he’s got in my life…. like me making peace with my past.

Either way. Whether the hostility I felt coming from him was real or imagined. I felt the need to placate it. By either sending him a text or not sending it.

So I have to turn my fear into power. As, really, the only reason for me not to reach out to him is to play safe and act like I am not bothered. But hey. I know something weird is going on. After all I have nothing to lose other than the unwanted past part of me who wanted to get to know him be disappointed.

So I went ahead and texted him… asking him if it was a good time for that of getting to know my normal self… and asked all sorts of direct questions, even that of whether he had deleted me of contacts, and what not. Just what I would say to any guy I’m not afraid of his reaction at all.

I just can’t have a purpose this year of being fearless and not acting on it.

This time he hasn’t replied back and I’m unsure if he ever will.

In fact, I’ve just checked and it doesn’t have a double tick. Not even in black. I sent it two days ago. He might not be alive. Or just completely ignores anything that comes from me? or … perhaps … has he blocked me?.

Why would you block someone you barely know who complimented your past self… and showed inclination to be nice and is not pestering you at all? I would get it if I sent him daily texts!

Unless he’s trying to control the situation his end….like that’s the only thing he can do to control the situation…. but was there any need? why would it bother him if I contacted him unless … uhm… I have some kind of power over him too… even though if that power is that of making feel irritated that he can’t control me unless he does that?

Well.. he might have of course deleted the app all together.

But I liked that of him being scared of me. You know. I’m leaving it like that.

Hopefully, if I ever bump into him… I remember I have power over him enough to make him feel uncomfortable of the thought of not knowing when would I contact him again. Lol

Bye bye S. I give up on even getting to know him.

PS: I will update when he contacts me back…. just to let you know how long it takes for a man who feels emasculated or chased to notice your absence and make a move.

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