Ideally only people who are confident about what they truly want and feel about you would approach you and their words would be backed up with actions that show that such intentions are true.
However, we don’t live in an ideal world and you’re going to have plenty of people who are going to approach you just for fun, others may approach you out of boredom and curiosity and most people will approach you by accident and may eventually develop feelings they’ll feel unsure of, some will just want to get to know you better before deciding whether investing time and effort into your connection and some will just do so with a hidden agenda.
And therefore, as long as you allow people to walk in and out of your life whenever they please, they will keep coming back and forth and take whatever you let them take out of you for as long as you let them do so.
And even if it’s actually not your job to educate people in all this mess of figuring out what they feel for us I would say it’s definitely our job to guide them by setting boundaries and blocking their access to our attention if we don’t like or agree with the way they’re approaching us thus far.
So fear not to cut people off whose attentions are not consistent or whose behaviours are not up to your standards.
And if you haven’t thought about your standards yet, here are some basic ones I recommend each single woman to have in order to purge the list of men seeking your attention. Those same standards could be applied by men, but since I’m a heterosexual woman, I’m not 100% sure on the basic standards a man could want for themselves when it comes to women.
And you may say to yourself: “What? Cut them off? what if they lose interest in me? What if they give up chasing after me?”.
PRECISELY, depending on the efforts the other person makes to get your attention back they’ll prove themselves worth of having any of your attention or none at all.
It’s painful to find out your interest is not reciprocated but trust me on this, the sooner you do this the better. Or else you risk falling in love with someone who doesn’t even like you enough. And do you know the devastating effects that can have on you and your self esteem? well, to begin with you’ll start wondering if they don’t like you because you’re not good enough, not intelligent enough, not fun enough or not beautiful enough to attract them, basically you’ll end up question your own worth… and that can damage your entire concept of yourself.
It hurts, I know. But it’s much better to deal with it during the early stages than to keep your hopes high and let them string you along with occasional breadcrumbs that can literally crush your self esteem.
So trust me, IT’S BETTER THE HARD WAY NOW.
Because honestly, why would you want to entertain attention seekers or attention suckers that talk the talk but don’t walk the walk?. Learn how to recognize them here.
What good does that bring you in your daily life? Please validate yourself enough so you don’t feel the need to receive validation from people who won’t respect you. Once you master that skill of recognizing which ones are willing to do the effort from which ones aren’t and are only stringing you along for self validation you’ll be so much better off in love and in life overall.
As a single woman, possibly a deluded ex-wife and/or single mother reading this who may already have all her other areas of life sorted (and this is very important to have before you actually start thinking about dating men again!) you might feel in need of some good male company, and good men will naturally go the extra mile when it comes to show and reciprocate interest.
As a man who may have his life already sorted you may be in need of a good female who appreciates your interest in her and accepts your invitation to go out and get to know each other better. If women are rejecting your dating proposals perhaps this is the blog entry you need to read first in order to make sure you’re actually on board on what a good high value woman may need in order to accept your dating proposal.
This doesn’t mean that as a woman you have to wait for a man to make a move or that as a man you have to always to make the first move. But biologically wise we’re usually wired that way. More on that topic here.
And sometimes it’s not even people trying to break your heart on purpose, it has been you all along allowing people to treat you as a second choice, allowing them to use you for their interests only, allowing people to mistreat you by not walking away the first time something felt off, etc.
We can’t control how other people behave, but we can control how we behave ourselves and how we interact with other people.
Truth is that at first we will never know whether someone is taking us seriously or not, whether they’re playing games on us or not, whether they have a hidden agenda or not, but whenever you find yourself confused and feeling powerless in a situation like that, wondering … ” Do they really like me? are they just messing around with me? are they stringing me along?”. Truth is if you are second guessing their intentions it’s because most likely they are.
Someone who truly likes you doesn’t hesitate in letting you know because they wouldn’t want to risk missing a chance with you.
So before you start creating picture perfect future with these people:
STOP, THINK AND ASK YOURSELF.
“What are they offering me? Are they even offering me anything at all?” Are they even asking you out on a date or suggesting about it?
If “not much”, “nothing at all” and “no” are the sad but true answers, then it’s time to upgrade your standards to not let people who don’t meet them waste any of your time. Well, that’s if you want something real. If you just want to waste your time online talking and getting a false sense of validation, then fine, it’s entirely up to you.
If “yes” is the answer. Then GREAT!!
Now it’s time to ask yourself “Are they offering something I can actually entertain right now?”.
When meeting a man please bear in mind that they may change their mind in a couple of months down the line after getting to know you better.
In my case I solemnly swear they all seemed very confident that they didn’t want anything serious at all, some of them would even reaffirm themselves on that on each and every single accidental encounter we had for like three months. I was super glad that such was the case because I couldn’t entertain a proper relationship either at that point in my life. I wanted to remain single to travel to another country in a couple months and find a foreign boyfriend in foreign lands to learn their language faster.
I do not know if it’s just my non-chalant ways that turn emotionally unavailable men into available men for me or whether they were saying that to me assuming I was like the majority of women out there.
Either way, be aware that if you’re a cool detached individual woman they may want to stick around longer than they originally planned. And even fall head over heels in love with you. So if you’re not confident they’re 100% what you’re looking for don’t entertain anything with them. Because once you get to know them and catch feelings for them as a person it’s harder to break up the connection. After all, you didn’t pick them as your ideal partner, you chose them for temporary fun or validation, and that will never make you happy, it will make you feel like you’re settling for less than what you truly wanted to end. Which may lead to feeling empty, to cheat, etc.
Not sure if women change our minds so drastically about our true intentions with men. I think we mostly act like mirrors. If a man disappoint us, we adjust… we start losing love and affection for you each time you disappoint us so it happens that by the time men are totally in love with us for apparently being so forgiving we are kind of fed up and about to break up. So men, please, if you want it to last, treat women good from the get go or else she’ll be gone by the time you realize you actually love her. Later you will call us heartless bitches blah blah blah.
So say that you’re ready for a relationship and you find each other attractive…. then stop again and ask yourself:
“Is this really what I want or need right now in my life?
“If it happens that they fell in love with me and they wanted more of me… could I entertain it?”
Get yourself clear on that and be honest about it with the other person.
But I swear I tried blunt honesty like “ok, I can only entertain this kind of relationship between us. It seems though that you want/need something else that I can’t give you right now. So keep your eyes open and if you find the right person, I promise I won’t mind, because I am aware I’m not what you really want or need right now”.
But some people like to lie to themselves and say “I don’t want a relationship either” setting themselves up for failure. If you want it, you want it. Own it. Say it. And dare to break the relationship right there, because the person you’re interested in definitely doesn’t seem to want the same thing as you. So instead of pretending you want the same thing hoping not to scare them away… dare to scare them away.
And for some it seems that something like this goes on in their minds: “I’ll convince them I accept the situation and them just the way they are and respect their freedom until they’re hooked. Once I think I have them wrapped around my finger then I’ll put pressure on them to become what I want them to be”.
It’s as if they think they’ll easily be able to change your mind or manipulate you to become what they want of you.
Good luck with that. I have told it like it is.
Obviously, when this happens it’s because to some extent they must think they’re more intelligent than you. So now we ought to call you a “victim” of their manipulative plans for you in their life.
So what happens when they underestimate their victims? they’ll be in for a shocking suprise. You may be happy dating all along knowing you’ll stay detached. But in their delusional minds they’ll think you’re falling in love and getting hoooked. So it must be disappointing for them that their mind games are actually not working on us as they thought they would.
So when you’re dating someone and you start realizing it’s like they’re expecting a lot of things of you didn’t sign up for…
STOP… THINK.
Because that’s a total red flag.
You know what could happen if you ignore the warning signs that you two aren’t meant to be?
Well, that’s some sort of slow emotional suicide. And nobody rewards you for that, you can be countless years living hell for not thinking straight at this crucial point in your dating life.
Please, when people tell you who they are and what they want… BELIEVE THEM!! They’re giving you the chance to run away and find someone else more suitable for you. TAKE IT AS IT IS.
Don’t try to force them into becoming something they’re not or make them follow limits and boundaries that they would never ever agree to because they never ever wanted that kind of relationship to begin with.
Accept that they perhaps got involved with you because you swore you didn’t want a relationship. Perhaps they got involved with you because you promised you wanted x, y and z and that’s the only thing they were after.
So if you’re not honest in your intentions as to why you’re luring a person closer to you and you end up getting them with false pretenses; chances are it may all backfire on you. Especially if what you want is way too different from what you offered at first. The other person is definitely going to feel trapped in a relationship.
You can’t say you love them being wild, independent and free and expect things as if you were married to them and call it “limits” or “lack of respect” if they don’t abide to rules they never agreed on.
So remember, never enter a relationship for the potential of who they could be or how could they improve your life if only they did this and that. Only enter it with who they are now or else it would turn into toxic in the blink of an eye.
Obviously when you stay strong in your power and you choose to follow your own life goals and ambitions instead of chasing or accommodating your life to what others in your life want for you, then they won’t like it and they will get bitter that you have a mind of your own and things won’t go according to their plans.
Obviously, as a woman, you will become the witch bitch who led them wrong, who casted a spell on them or something for making them change their mind, the one who made them crazy, when all you ever did was to refuse their manipulative ways to keep you under their control.
So… before making any strong love moves that involve some major effort or sacrifices on your part. E.g. getting married, move in together, move in to a different town with them, having a kid together, neglecting a business to support them on theirs, etc
STOP AND THINK.
Let’s say you are a couple of months in and they are already hinting they want to live together, what is the point of you both paying rent after all? Seems legit and you would even seem stupid if you don’t agree.
But please, what would that mean for you? if you live with your parents, you may prefer it, of course, and you’ll be willing to try something new like living with your partner and finally be the ones who makes the rules at home, lol. But be aware that in doing so you’ll be sacrifying a lot of personal freedom.
If you are already free and you live single and independent…. do you really think it’s a wise idea? Do you really really see yourself living together with them? do you even need that extra money that seems like a benefit now?? Consider it wisely.
And above all think;
“What if it doesn’t work out?
How much will it cost you to get back your independence?”. Oh gosh you may have to find someone to rent you a place again, they may not do it because you haven’t got a secure job, you may not have enough funds, etc etc.
So, is your freedom worth all that litte extra money you save by living together?. At least wait until you’re truly confident that they’re worth it. Also, never get in a situation without having a way out figured out.
So please. Whatever you do never let the love you feel now for that person blind you that much as to lose sight of the independence and freedom you may have up till this moment.
They might be loving you to bits too and right now it all seems great, but you ought to think further in and further ahead.
Will that situation be ideal if so and so happened? What if you don’t agree with his cleaning standards? have you checked they’re keeping those up to your standards? because if they don’t have them… it will always be you nagging them daily to put effort into keeping up with your cleaning standards or any other standards you may want then to meet.
And the same goes for everything else. So before moving in with someone… please bear in mind all those little red flags that later could turn into the reason why you’ll end up breaking your own heart. Especially if it feels like too early to do so. Be a little suspicious too. Sometimes it’s a death trap. Be in no rush to share your daily habits, be mysterious for as much as you can, meet them slowly, get the time to check if they naturally meet all your basic standards. And entertain no longer the ones who don’t.
You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache by detaching the moment you see a red flag or two that they don’t match up to your standards.
And by the way, don’t ever be so in love that you forget to meet up with your friends regularly, as if they no longer existed. Don’t neglect your hobbies, don’t forget to pursue your passions because they’re keeping you extremely busy. Don’t let them isolate you by making bad remarks about your friends or family in hopes you’ll start seeing them as negative influences and only rely on them for support. Please, no man is worth you becoming that kind of isolated woman.
In order not to break your own heart you will have to continue to be yourself, even if they don’t like it, you will continue to meet your friends and go out on your own whenever you feel like it, you will be your unapologetic self without hurting anyone intentionally, and if they start punishing such behaviour with a bad attitude, or if they start acting jealous or insecure… then there is a huge warning sign that they don’t love you, they’re just using you to fulfill a certain role in their lives.
Keep being yourself can damage the relationship if it brings disagreements, but at least, if you keep being yourself, when relationship is over you won’t feel like you’ve lost anything or like it’s been a total failure. No. you already assigned it the role of a learning experience and as such nothing is a loss because you were being yourself all along and you didn’t let them depend on you or become dependent of them. Even if they end up calling you bossy because you’re actually determined to get what you want out of life as much as possible. I’d much rather be called bossy than being bossed around.
Of course, if it feels good and as long as it feels good it’s ok to be in love, trust them, confide in them and count on them.
But if there are incoherences in how they speak and how they act. Pay attention to those. They say they love you and yet they do things that don’t seem to go along those lines?
Put your thinking cap on…and start finding your way out, or find a plan that will work out for you regardless of their hidden agendas with you.
Relationships should not require a lot of work, they should just flow easily. If you have to force them it’s a major sign that something is not right.
And women, please, before you get into a relationship, have a life of your own, have money of your own, have passions of your own, and never ever let anyone persuade you to give up on something you believe in or something you find yourself passionate about. And of course, if they’re not even months in and they want you to get rid of people in your life that you value and appreciate a lot, be alert enough not to tolerate it.
So how to stay safe?
I don’t lie, I’m brutally honest, if anything. Always have and always been that way. And being that way will help you too.
I don’t care if the man runs to the hills when I tell them what my relationship goals are for us. If he does run to the hills he becomes one less problem to deal with. Because I wasn’t even looking to have a partner to begin with, so anyone adding drama of any nature oughts to go.
And I hope you’re as honest and courageous as I am when it comes to the risk of losing love, jobs, or connections just to keep being yourself and in pursuit of achieving your dreams. To be loyal to yourself is the most rewarding experience in life. Because nobody will ever have your best interest in mind more than yourself.
After all, unless you truly love yourself you’ll never be able to love anyone else. So whenever in doubt…. choose to love yourself instead.
To go deeper into this subject read more about the generic how to not to fall in love blog entry.
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