Ideally only men who are confident about what they want and feel about you would be the ones who would approach you and their actions would be backed up with honest intentions.
However, we don’t live in an ideal world and you’re gonna have plenty of men who are unsure of their feelings for you (and for that other girl), and some will just be curious and willing to get to know you better first to ensure they’ll be making the right decision by investing time and effort into you, and others will come to you with a hidden agenda.
And therefore, as long as you allow them to do so, they will keep coming back and forth and take whatever you let them take out of you for as long as you let them.
And even if it’s actually not our job to educate men in all this mess of figuring out what they feel for us or what they want in a relationship with a woman. I would say it’s definitely our job to guide them by setting boundaries and blocking their access to our attention if we don’t like the way they’re treating us.
So fear not to cut men off whose attentions are not consistent, or whose behaviours are not up to your standards.
And if you haven’t thought about your standards yet, here are some basic ones I recommend each single woman to have to purge the list of guys seeking our attentions.
And you may say to yourself: “What? Cut him off? what if he loses interest in me? What if he gives up chasing after me?”.
PRECISELY, depending on the efforts he makes to get your attention back then he’ll prove himself worth having your attention or not. So you’ll soon find he wasn’t all that interested in you. It hurts but the sooner you see this the less time you waste daydreaming about him.
Trust us, IT’S BETTER THAT WAY. You need no attention seekers/suckers. Please read that blog entry if you need more tips on how to recognize the game players or the time suckers you need out of your life.
As a woman who may already have all her other areas of her life sorted and may feel in need of some male company, you should only take time to meet and date men who are really into you and who are naturally going the extra mile when it comes to recicprocate your interest.
Once you master that skill you’ll be much better off in love.
And sometimes it’s not even men trying to break your heart, it has been you all along allowing men to treat you as a second choice, allowing them to use you for their interests, allowing men to mistreat you by not walking away the first time something felt off, etc. We can’t control how men behave in that sense, but we do have control over ourselves and how we choose to interact with them.
Truth is that we will never know whether they are taking us seriously or not, whether they’re playing games on us or not, whether they have a hidden agenda or not, but whenever you find yourself confused and feeling powerless in a situation wondering …
Is he trying to mess me around? why does he say this and does that?
STOP, THINK, ASK YOURSELF.
“What is he offering me? Is he even offering me anything at all?
If “not much” or “nothing at all” is the answer, then it’s time to upgrade your standards to not let men waste your time. Well, that is if eventually you would like to date him and get to know him better. If he’s not really offering anything of that nature yet then he can’t be that interested. Read more about this topic in push that button.
If “yes” is the answer. Then GREAT!!
Now it’s time to ask yourself “is he offering something I can actually entertain right now?”.
When meeting a guy, bear in mind that they may change their mind in a couple of months down the line. In my case I solemnly swear they were very confident they didn’t want anything serious at all, they would reafirm themselves in each and every accidental encounter we had for like three months. I was super glad that such was the case because I couldn’t entertain a proper relationship either. I wanted to be single to travel to another country in a couple months.
I do not know if it’s just my non-chalant ways that turn emotionally unavailable men into available men for me, or whether they were saying no to me thinking I was like the majority of women out there. Either way, be aware that if you’re a cool detachable individual they may want to stick around longer than they originally planned.
So when meeting a new guy…. you just have to ask yourself….
“Is this really what I want or need right now in my life?
“If it happens that they fall in love with me and they want more of me… could I entertain it?”
Get yourself clear on that and get him on the same page with that too.
I swear I tried… like “ok, I can only entertain this kind of relationship working between us. It seems though that you want/need something else that I can’t give you right now. So keep your eyes open and if you find the right person, I promise I won’t mind, because I am aware I’m not what you really want or need”.
But some men like to lie to themselves saying “I don’t want a relationship either” yet they expect all the benefits of a full-on committed relationship. Or they think to themselves… “I’ll convince her I accept her like she is until she is able to run away and once she’s hooked I’ll put pressure to become what I want her to be”. It’s as if they think they’ll easily be able to change your mind or manipulate you to become what they want of you.
Obviously, when they happen to underestimate their victims they’ll be in for a shocking suprise.
So now, when you’re with a man who claims he wants this but thinks he’s trying to fool you by pretending to accept that other thing instead.
You know what could happen if you ignore the warning signs that you two aren’t meant to be? Well, that’s some sort of emotional suicide. And nobody rewards you for that, you can be countless years living hell for not thinking straight now that you can.
Please, when people tell you who they are and what they want… BELIEVE THEM!! They’re giving you the chance to run away and find someone else more suitable for you. TAKE IT AS IT IS.
Don’t try to force them into becoming something they’re not or make them follow limits and boundaries that they never ever would agree to, because they never wanted that kind of relationship to begin with.
Accept that they perhaps got involved with you because you swore you didn’t want a relationship either. Perhaps they got involved with you because you promised you wanted x, y and z and that’s the only thing they were after.
So if you’re not honest in your true intentions as to why you’re luring a person closer to you and you end up getting them with false pretenses. Chances are it may all backfire on you. Especially if what you want is way too different from what you offered at first. The other person is definitely going to feel trapped in that relationship.
You can’t say you love her being wild, independent and free and expect things of her as if you were married and call it “limits” or “lack of respect” on her side. As if she owed you that. You can’t be with someone you claim to love them just the way they are and then add pressure on the daily for her to become the potential you saw in them.
Never enter in a relationship for the potential… only enter it with who they are now or else it would turn into toxic in the blink of an eye.
Obviously when you stay strong in your power and you choose to follow your own life goals and ambition instead of chasing or accommodating your life to what the man in your life says, then they won’t like it and they will get bitter that you have a mind of your own and things didn’t go according to plan. Obviously, as a woman, you will be the bad one of the two, the witch bitch who lead them wrong or something. Even if it’s them who tried to get you and manipulate you.
So …. if you think you can handle their expectations of you being this or that way, perhaps you can entertain the relationship if what it offers to you brings some kind of growth or experience you would like to try.
I can only justify saying yes to those relationships when they somehow align with my goals and, yes, I’m extremely careful not to let myself be blinded by them.
So.. Before making any strong love moves that involve some major effort or sacrifices on your part. E.g. getting married, move in together, move in to a different town with them, having a kid together, etc
STOP AND THINK.
Let’s say you are a couple of months in and they are already hinting they want to live together, what is the point of you both paying rent? Seems legit and you would even seem stupid if you don’t agree.
But please, what would that mean for you? if you live with parents, you may prefer it, of course and you’ll be willing to try something new like living with your partner and finally be the ones who makes the rules at home, lol. For that you may even sacrifice some of your freedom.
But if you are already free and you live single and independent…. do you really think it’s a wise idea? Do you really really see yourself living together with him? do you even need that extra money that seems like a benefit now?? Consider it wisely.
And above all think “what if it doesn’t work out? how much it will cost you to get your independence back?”. Oh gosh you may have to find someone to rent you a place again, they may not do it because you haven’t got a permanent position, etc etc. So, perhaps your freedom is worth all that money for sure. At least until you truly get to know them and you’re really willing to risk it.
So please. Whatever you do never let the love you feel now for that person blind you that much.
They might be loving you to bits too and right now it all seems great, but you ought to think further ahead. Will that situation be ideal if so and so happened? what if you don’t agree with his cleaning standards? have you checked they’re keeping those up to your standards naturally? because if they don’t have them… it will always be you nagging them to put effort into keeping up with your cleaning standards. And the same goes for everything else. So before moving in with someone… please bear all those things in mind before making such a decision. Especially if it feels like too early to do so. Be a little suspicious too. Sometimes it’s a death trap.
Therefore, always plan your moves in a way that you will make sure you won’t regret them if for whatever reason they don’t work out. Like, you’re going in more for the learning experience or the benefits it brings, after having already thought carefully about all the positives and all the negatives of that situation.
Don’t be so in love that you forget to meet up with your friends, as if they no longer existed. Don’t neglect your hobbies, don’t forget to pursue your passions because this new man is keeping you extremely busy. Don’t let them isolate you by making bad remarks about your friends. Please, no man is worth you becoming that kind of woman.
You will continue to be yourself, even if they don’t like it, you will continue to meet your friends and go out on your own whenever you feel like it, you will be your unapologetic self, and if they start punishing such behaviour there is a huge warning sign that they don’t love you, they’re just using you to fulfill a certain role in their lives.
But if you remain being yourself, when relationship is over you won’t feel like you’ve lost anything or like it’s a failure. No. you already assigned it the role of a learning experience and as such nothing is a loss because you were being yourself all along and you didn’t let them turn you into something you’re not. Even if they end up calling you bossy because you’re actually determined to get what you want out of life as much as possible. I’d much rather be called bossy than being bossed around.
Of course, if it feels good and as long as it feels good it’s ok to be in love, trust them, confide in them and count on them.
But if there are incoherence in how the speak and how they act. Pay attention to those. They say they love you and yet they do things that don’t seem to go along those lines?
Put your thinking cap on…and start finding your way out, or find a plan that will work out for you regardless of their hidden agendas with you.
Relationships should not require a lot of work, they should just flow easily. If you have to force them it’s a major sign that something is not right.
And women, please, before you get into a relationship, have a life of your own, have money of your own, have passions of your own, and never ever let anyone persuade you to give up on something you believe in or something you find yourself passionate about doing. And of course, if they’re not even months in and they want you to get rid of people in your life that you value and appreciate, be alert.
So how to stay safe?
I don’t lie, I’m brutally honest, if anything. Always have and’always been that way. I don’t care if the man runs to the hills when I tell them what my goals are. If he does to me he would become in one less problem to deal with. Because I wasn’t even looking to have a partner to begin with, so anyone adding drama of any nature oughts to go.
And I hope you’re as honest and courageous as I am when it comes to risk losing love, jobs or connections just to keep being yourself and keep chasing your dreams. To be loyal to yourself is the most rewarding experience in life.
After all, unless you truly love yourself you’ll never be able to love anyone else. So whenever in doubt…. choose to love yourself instead.
To go deeper into this subject read more about the generic how to not to fall in love blog entry.
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