“Meet Laura, queen of chaos, empress of darkness also known as a lazy and natural disaster”.
But guess what? I wouldn’t be any other way. I guess I was born this way… and if my reckless ways haven’t got me killed yet then I guess I was born survive things that most people can’t even bear to think.
As they say… “some drown in a glass of water, others drink the water and sell the glass”. I guess I’m turning more into the second kind of people.
Nobody told me when I was young it was ok to be born this way, by the way. My mother didn’t tell me and Lady Gaga wasn’t around either. And up until recently, society makes the most to make you feel bad with yourself in a million ways. I had to figure it all out on my own after many years of feeling like utter shit and taking tons of shit from a lot of people who obviously noticed my inability to do “normal” well and felt the need to pick up on me. Unlike Gaga I don’t think god made me this way, because I’m also a bit of an atheist as I obviously didn’t fit in either in that category of people.
I learnt to own those attributes thinking all those things were actually my character flaws or characteristics that defined me as a person… like: “I guess I’m always going to be a bit irresponsible, unable to focus, unable to concentrate, unable to follow through instructions or plans, always tired and always saving energy by avoiding whatever I consider an unnecesary waste of effort and time. Yes, always finding it excruciatingly hard to stay motivated and focused at whatever I didn”t feel like doing (e.g homework, house chores and so on), and often times, even at the very things I wanted to do, procrastinating on absolutely everything I can and, more often than not, simply end up forgetting about it and dealing with the consequences of it sometime later, if any”.
I mean…for most of my life I didn’t have the slightest idea of why I was that way, but what else could I do other than accept the handful I was dealt with and live my life the best I could regardless of what made me that way?. It took me some 20 years to get well aquainted with my flaws and accept myself with all of them.
Funny thing is that because I didn’t know then what I know now I had no other choice but to toughen up and make the most of it. Telling myself “well, it seems I am a complete normal human being, as far as I know I have no mental delay and I should be as able to be as good as my friends are at being good students/ children”.
Often times parents confuse what it is to be a good child from what it is to be a good student, and sometimes being a good student seems to be more important than being a good child, regardless of how good you behave/perform in any other areas of your life. And so… they seem to gauge your future success in life based on your academic reports, so most parents think that your future is grim and you will be a failure if your students reports show that you suck at that of memorizing facts and vomiting them on a piece of paper afterwards. Like really, who will hire you to do any jobs with such bad grades?
But yes, regardless of what I tried to tell my 12 year old self to think I was able to perform as good as my besties in their exams, I kept failing miserably at it. I mean… I even failed at trying, oh yes, I tried, one or two days in a row and I soon even forgot I was trying to be a good student… or an applied one.
Now… don’t try to tell people about your invisible chronic physical or mental illness that makes you do this or be that way. They can only see the physical ones, they will not ask a disabled person or injured person in hospital to get up, walk or jump, nor even ask them favours at all. Yet, even if they know you have them, they will still look at you and say “You look well and healthy, so you should perform as good as the average person does”.
So I’ll continue my life owning my chaotic organizational skills as part of my personality because after all we all have some health condition or another that makes us more prone to do this or that. And after all, I’m way more than just these flaws which somehow point directly to the symptoms of my invisible illnesses but nobody cares if they are symptoms or not, all they think is that you should think this or that way and act this or that way to be “normal” or behave like their own definition of what a “grown-up” should be.
So all the way up to my thirties I tried to live life like they do, trying to cope as good as they can to not get into trouble, doing every day an incredible amount of effort to remember this, not to forget that, send so and so a “thank you” message, and so on to not look like stupid or less than. Sometimes if the consequences of missing out on something or failing to remember something is only affecting us it’s ok, we have learnt to live with it, or I definitely have mastered that, but there are plenty of people out there still struggling trying to disguise or make their disability less obvious. And we are sort of thankful nobody finds out how much time of our life we actually spend and waste sorting out or dealing with all the side effects of our forgetful and foggy brains. In my case I have two invisible health issues that mulitiply it by two.
Ohh but the moment your organizational skills involve or require from other people to be dealt with then it becomes notoriously difficult to hide our “fuck-ups”, the moment anything of their lives depends on your good organizational skills in order to succeed or have an “easy” or a “smooth” life, then the conflict arises. They just find it extremely hard to understand or to believe you actually struggle at remembering stuff that is apparently important.
“why is your phone always on silent mode?”, “How could you forget to put the volume back after you left the meeting? how could you not be responsible enough to remember this or that?? you’re a parent now!”, “how could you book a flight and not check the passport expiring dates?”. Eventually one learns how to not give a shit about all those expectations placed on me and I wear like a “fuck-it-all” attitude that allows me to stay/remain sane.
Below there is an extensive explanation on how my invisible illnesses make me different or more “random” that your average person.
But to keep this short and to the point….
Although for a short while, I too, was brainwashed into competing and comparing myself to other people in order to fit in in a world where my genetical input just made me stand out for the wrong reasons no-matter-what and how hard I tried not to stand out… I soon learned that some people are made to fit the mold and in doing so it seems they deny their own wishes and dreasms in life. So I guess I’m glad I was born to question the mold and even break it, and be of the few courageous ones who would show people there are other ways to survive, to thrive, to live, to breath, to enjoy life and that it doesn’t depend on your academic results or your ability to fit it, but mostly it depends on your inability to fit in.
Let’s just be thankful we don’t live in that “1984” world Orson Wells depicted back in the day and we can still embrace our unique randomnes.
But above all… I’m not even competing and probably not even trying to get your approval. The only person I feel like comparing myself to it’s my younger self and I’m always surprising myself on how fast I can come up with copying solutions to overcome my shortcomings and, of course, on how well I’m taking the whole not needing to be perfect thing and apply my “fuckitall” attitude. 😀
And now regarding my symptoms I’ve noticed most people love me and accept me way more than they used to when I tried to fit the mold, precisely because of me owning each one of them and accepting all my flaws, as they make flawsome, authentic, fun and genuine. I mean, the amount of thrills I give them with my brain fog or memory issues…. it’s unbelievable!! With me they never know if anything is going to go according to plan, because I may forget my phone, I may forget my keys, my purse, completely forget I was to meet them there or here that day, and so on and so forth.
Just when life starts getting boring there is always something new and exciting going on in my life due to these symptoms I can’t fight. But above all, most people who may consider themselves superior in any way due to them not having these issues sooner or later realize how much I have done to get my illnesses work for me having a life they wished they had which only my thinking outside the box has granted me.
There are a lot frustrated resented and jealous people who wish to have the freedom I have achieved by embracing my own shortcomings and chaos and make them work for me. If only they allowed themselves too the freedom to fully accept themselves and stop trying to fit in they they would also find life can be fun and not a stressful stream of events they always have to be well in advance prepared for.
Because of my chronic illnesses I’m always facing the unexpected, always getting outside my comfort zone because … what happens when something in your day to day routine fails… you are forced to think of new ways to overcome that issue or do without whatever you forgot at home in different ways.
As to the main flaws highlighted by family, friends, teachers and partners are laziness, forgetfulness and overall chaos.
In regards to my so called laziness:
My way of thinking it’s the following:
If we park car in point A to go shopping around town all the way to B point… I’d rather walk all the way to point B first and then start shopping from point B all the way to point A.
That way… a) I’m not too tired to walk. b) as you go shopping you start carrying bags, to me it makes more sense to not load yourself with bags which are heavy, but also, there is a possibility in my case I may forget some on the fitting room whilst trying other clothes on somewhere else and lastly and not least…. c) it also makes more sense that when you’re dead tired from shopping the car it’s nearer to you, so you don’t have to walk from point B to point A fully loaded of heavy bags and completely worn out.
Another example which raised eyebrows back then it’s when I refused to go to point C only to come back all the way to point B… when actually B was nearest our departure point A. If point B it’s in the middle and you live in point C… I would most likely suggest we meet in point B. Yeps!… especially if I’m wearing heels!. If I drive… I don’t mind picking you up though from wherever you live as I love driving.
If I’m cleaning or tidying up at home and I have to take something upstairs… I will leave it at the bottom of the stairs…. keep piling things up there… and once I go upstairs I will take it all in one go. Call me lazy but it saves a considerable amount o f energy and time me thinks! ;D
If I went to the supermarket today and I forgot something and you have to come back home later … I would ask you if you could please stop by on the way to get it because after all, you have to drive back, so you could as well park two seconds and buy it on your way home, saves me having to get a baby ready in a pushchair, get the bus and go and get it. Saves again time and energy.
Is that being lazy? apparently to some it is/was. I call it being practical and it’s a copying skill I developed thanks to my invisible illness number one.
If that makes me lazy I refuse to be anything but. Thank you very much.
In regards to my chaos
Well.. not sure how I manage this one. I think there is no excuse for it other than I hate putting things straight back into their place. E.g… if I try clothes on to wear and go out, I find it so hard to put them straight back on the wardrobe. Let’s say I procrastinate putting them back until someone it’s goign to visit and then I have a more rewarding excuse to waste my time tidying up when I’m not bothered about a messy table or bedroom. The same with everything else though. At least I make sure I invite people from time to time to keep up on the tidying and cleaning.
Now add those to my disorganization skills
Imagine how interesting my Academic life has been considering all the above.
Thanks to what I think it’s a mixture of invisible illness number 1 and number 2 I have a rather interesting amount of exams I’ve missed in my life due to the fact I didn’t even know they were taking place. E.g Perhaps I was daydreaming when the teacher said the date, perhaps I completely forgot about it… wrote it on the agenda but never checked it and so on. Needless to say some were very important exams I needed to take, more about it later on when we get to the section of the miracles or ways to cope or overcome my symptoms.
Then there are a couple of exams I’ve missed in my life because I failed to wake up or even hear the alarm ring, perhaps because I failed to set it up properly, forgot completely to set it up, or just turned it off in my sleep, or got woken up, turned it off and rolled back to sleep. I’m still not sure to this day exactly what happened. Didn’t feel good for once I studied for an old greek exam nobody would actually believe I studied because I missed the opportunity to show it.
I also have a couple of exams I’ve missed due to me copying down the dates wrong back in the day when the exam dates were written on a notice board. Yeps.. two subjects failed at once for writting down the days incorrectly. Imagine studying a couple of things…. showing up to sit your “Analysis of North American Literature textx I” exam and having to do “Analysis of North American English Literature texts II” because they first one already took place and the second one you had no time to look anything up yet.
Then there are quite a lot of exams I knew I had but completely forgot about them or to study. Like “shit, really? was it today?” Then I had to do them in class on the spot as if I knew what I was doing all full of shame and guilt but determined to pretend I knew what I was writing about.
And why is that so? probably because at school I spent most of the hours wondering why the f**k I had to pay attention or even be there… always looking for some kind of entertainment, I used to talk, A LOT. Sometimes so much that some teachers would ask me to sit away from my friend as soon as they came into the classroom and often they did remove me from my friend altogether and sat me next to hard working girls who never talked, until I got sat inbetween them, that was. And if completely detached from people or didn’t like anyone nearby to talk with I would start drawing or just go back into my own bubble. I wasn’t a physical restless kid.
Soon my student reports showed this inability to fail at being a normal student. I failed 6 out of 8 subjects several times on a second term… my parents would tell me off massively, and due to that fear of my parent’s anger and extreme frustration (they were both teachers, how come their children failed miserably at school? they just couldn’t get it) I used to do well on the final term and kept going like that all my school and highschool years. I guess thanks to fear I managed to stay motivated enough to remember to hand in my homework on the last term of each academic year and somehow rememberd the exams and passed them all and off to the following year. That’s when I didn’t get caught copying in the exams, rarely did, but I got caught on one. I passed on year after year always struggling until last minute.
As a result of this, somehow I started developing my own copying mechanism based on perfoming last minute miracles.
By age 16 it became obvious to me that I was totally incompetent at being a good student who wanted to learn, however all this dropping by to exams I had not studied for at all somehow showed me that I had the ability to pass tests without studying. Or perhaps I learnt to read teacher’s well and what they were most likely to ask on each final test. And well, yes, combine that with laziness and engery saving and yeps. I relied on my little miracles each year from that year onward.
I decided that I wouldn’t over complicate life making myself feeling like a failure for studying and failing, so I would first of all show up, do the exam with whatever information I retained from the classes I rarely paid attention to and then decide if I needed to study properly for it before wasting my time and energy trying to study something perhaps I could save myself from studying.
In chose humanities because of course I totally sucked at maths. Well. not always… I would go from D and E to straight As on a very good day. The most notorious exam I ever did was that of the equations… 10 questions, 5 equations plus 5 equation word problems to solve. I’d get a 5… thanks to … yes! figuring out the equation from the word problem right and solving it perfectly, yet failing the five single and simple equations. I guess I just need a challenge to keep my attention focused. Most people failed the word problems, in fact I was apparently the only one in the class that got them all ok, which of course shocked my teacher. But no… I do that and solve it easy peasy. But the ones that did not mean a challenge I naturally allowed myself to fail on. I think all this it’s definitely due to my invisible illness number 2.
Does that make me stupid? Perhaps.
Honestly, I always knew there was something not quite right with me from age 11 or 12. My friends got all straight As and were ever so good students, I wanted to do well as well, but I knew I was lacking something. I called that something … intelligence. Because according to what I had been taught to believe at home intelligent people did good at school.
I felt stupid because I couldn’t control my mind to want to study or be focused or even present. Not even in my personal life with all that bullying going for being too lazy, too ugly, too different, too insecure, too beautiful, too sexy, too careless, minding my own business seemed to piss them off. And for a while I allowed them to succeed at it because low self-esteem it’s also a clear symptom of both invisible chronical illnesses.
Yet people didn’t see it or refused to see it. It took seriously harassment for people to actually realize I wasn’t complaining for the sake of it. Thanks to it if finally hit home. But by then it was a bit late by then. I already chose to repair myself…oh yes my heart became so hardened.
And then… even though my life improved quite a lot since one of the hotties at the new highschool talked to me and created me a new legion of female followers thanks to it… I still felt that being emotionally strong and quite self-reliant became it’s own set of problems and then everyone assumed I was ok. And that was me trying to understand human behaviour whilst all I had to do and focus on was my studies.
So yeps, I felt stupid for not being able to push it all aside and be the role model student I wanted to be not do disappoint or to fit into the mold I was supposed to fit.
But much to my dismay as our tutor was reading aloud the second term evaluation conclusions from all the teachers as to whether we could make it to University the following September (we were in May) or not and after having told some pupils who had only failed 3 subjects to drop off and join the following year…. she finally arrived to me in alphatetical order. “Laura, you failed 6 out of 8, me and the rest of teachers are wondering when the fuck you’re going to take this seriously and actually study. You are one of the most intelligent and capable students in this class to make it to University next September, if only you decide to take this seriously and actually study”.
How do you study? ohh yes… you have to be concentrated and focused on retaining the information given/read. “Ok… I can do this”. I would sit down… first I had the nerve to find time to tidy up my desk first, because I had been procrastinating it for so long that I felt that if I for once was going to start working I might as well start with the accumulated tasks first. Then once book opened to study I would put music on whilst reading and trying to do nice looking summaries of each unit… and then started focusing on wanting to know what the song was singing about, what did the lyrics said. “Oh hold on… I love this song, I’m going to start a list right now before I forget with all the songs that get me in this happy mood” or “let me see if I get the lyric of this song right”. Before I knew it I completely forgot about my goal of the evening, and then it was dinner time and by the time I finished dinner and watched the serie we all liked I completely forgot what I was supposed to do that day. For the big exams I would stay the whole night up. But only ended up choosing what of the 5 or 6 units that fell in the exam I needed to read about the most in order to make up context.
So yeps, studying and paying attention to whatever someone had to teach are two of the most difficult things for me given my invisible illness number 2. And given the lack of motivation and feeling of mental fog I had from invisible illness number 1 and 2 combined I forgot about exams, assignment deadlines and all…
However I started developing my super powers right there. Each conversation prior to an exam I had with class mates turned into true statements. Eg. “I hope he asks about Plato or else I’m totally fucked because that’s the only one I had time to look up yesterday”. And that would fall on the exam. Or I would pass the exam thanks to particular knowledge.
So much so that by the end of the second or third term most class mates would come and ask me… “Laura, what do you think this or that other teacher it’s going to ask in this or that exam?”.
And by that September I became like a legend when it came to pass exams thanks to my last minute guesses as to what it could fall depending on what I had time to read the night before.
Miraculously I passed 4 out of 8 by june, but in September most in my class knew there was a subject I would have failed had I not had the courage to ask the teacher for that unit in particular the teacher told me to focus on. And I took her seriously, I forgot or didn’t realize until I went to the exam… that I would be asked soemthing among the 5 or 6 units of that term I had failed.
Somehow the teacher believed me and allowed me to do the unit I had prepared the night before. After two more miracles of that nature I was sitting the national exam that would grant me access to University thinking I was going to fail it because I had no clue what to say about that question on choice A I noticed people from my class looking at me with strange faces like “cheeky bastard”. I turned the paper over and there it was the question I had told them it had to fall in order for me to pass.
Whether my history teacher knew it was that one and told me before September and wanted to help me I don’t know, she could have refused to allow me to ellaborate my exam on that one. Whatever the reason she believed me, and I got a B and then another one at the national exam, which made up for my failed History of Art exam, making me actually pass the national exam together with my A on English. And my average C on Latin, Spanish Language and philosophy. Which I would have failed had they asked me any Literature or any other philospher than Marx, which by the way… yes, it’s the one I decided I knew nothing about the night before such exam.
I don’t know if that’s a super power I got out of nowhere to compensate for my inability to sit down and focus and my life struggles or a new incredible and extremely helpful skill I had developed through hardships. Either way. I was very thankful that once for all I seemed to master that of living life on my terms.
When I finally found some motivation to finish my degree; yes, it took me like 9 years. Because guess what? how motivated and driven can you be when you get persuaded to study something which wasn’t your main choice? I wanted to do Arts, and if not German Language… but I had to be more “realistic” and choose something that was more likely to land me a job in the near future and I chose what I found easiest for me. But it turned out to be not so easy.
Especially when at Uni we had that lease of freedom of being able to skip classes with not much bearing on our final exams. Or so we thought at first which I discovered years later when I finally decided to take it seriously and actually learn something out of it before I finished the degree.
So 8 years later, two years abroad in two different countries later, plus another NVQ3 qual on bilingual studies and several “lost” years (not passing enough subjects per Academic year) after I started the degree I took on 13 subjects in a year and two of the worst in the same year.
People just chose one or the other because of the amount of dedication each subject needed. But I, challenging myself, wanted to finish it all in one year. So I went to class morning and afternoon with the fixed idea that I would pass them all just paying attention in class, being interested in the subject at hand and participating actively in class.
And so I did. Not without massive headaches due to this… but I passed 11 subjects just trying to see if I had to study much for the finals. Even passed these extreme hard subjects with straight B in June and even got A pluses on poetry and literature essays without actually studying, just because I recalled what the teacher said about this or that poem or writer.
Not sure if that makes me intelligent or just extremely lucky or accomplished. But either way it worked for me and I started to apply this in all areas of my life.
Regarding the “empress of darkness” label.
It’s the words one of my friend’s flatmate used to describe me the night he came home drunker and later than we did after going out and found me asleep in their shared lounge settee he had to pass by in order to get to his bedroom. He was like “then I looked to the left and I found her so beautiful in her sleep, she looked like an empress of darkness” so these bunch of friends started calling me so and I liked it. So I will own that one as a couple of years earlier a friend of mine took a picture of me asleep and I look rather horrible in it which actually will keep me humble forever. Yeps. I can be as ugly as I can be beautiful. They say “beauty lies on the eyes of the beholder”, but I think beauty lies in how little you start caring on how other people perceive you because you know you’re so much more than your looks than your looks become like a secondary thing. And since I started developing my brains by reading tons of books from age 14 onwards to compensate for my ugliness… seems somehow it worked on me. All of a sudden at age 17-19 people started perceiving me as beautiful from that moment onwards, but I like to remind myself it wasn’t always that way and it could change any moment so I won’t care when it does because I learnt to focus on other stuff of life.
The concept of empress of darkness goes rather well with the concept of “diva” some people would accuse me of being because they didn’t know me at all. It seems they thought I was ignoring them on purpose or only joining them when I had nothing else better to do when in fact I was so much in my world I probably didn’t even see them when I was out and about talking or clubbing with my friends. Seems they might have felt naturally rejected by me whilst I was just having fun with my friends I suppose. I think lack of self-esteem back then was another clear symptom of both invisible ailments.
Because what they didn’t know at the time it’s that by then I already caught on the fact some found me attractive, I still had interiorized all the bullying I had from age 11 till age 17 in and out of school for being quite ugly, so by then the last thought that crossed my mind it’s that people were apparently interested in me at all, and I also lacked the awareness that my presence had.
Later I found out that I am also a bit much of an “intimidating” creature, even to girl friends that later became friends and confessed me so.
So I went from being ugly as fuck to be intimidating to guys and girls alike with my looks in a year and I wasn’t aware of it until years and years later. I thought they didn’t talk to me or approached me much because they found me “ugly” or not interesting enough.
However I’d rather own being an accidental intimidating diva than the opposite, if the opposite meant ending up with whoever that came along in order not to be alone. My standards for finding the right man I guess were quite high at the time, I had been single for so many years and I didn’t care in the slightest anymore to find a man to validate or complete my life. I was happy on my own. And anyway, whose idea it was that we women need to find a man to feel complete at all? where did I get that notion and feeling from? ahh yes, society. People always asking you if you had a boyfriend and looking all disappointed if you didn’t. As if not having it meant there was something inherently wrong with you. And perhaps they were right for the wrong reasons.
It’s funny how I ended up thinking the same. There was something inherently wrong with me, my lack of self-esteem which probably stem from that flawed perception I had of myself based on the opinion of others.
It’s kind of an oxymoron the fact that the day I decided I was ok being all on my own, and decided to complete myself no man would ever leave me alone. Not matter how adamant I was on estating I wanted to be single and remain that way for different goals in my life. I knew I could find a boyfriend then but didn’t want it at that point in my life. And then it’s when I discovered that the less you want a boyfriend or to be loved guys go and beyond just in order to keep you, however forgetting about the fact that I was genuine in the fact that I didn’t want a relationship then.
I was already an emotionally hardened and independent woman who learnt by experience with men not to want anything from men other than casual encounters. And that turned me straight away into a “femme fatale” or “a heartbreaker” for going through life not needing them in my life at all and that being noticeable.
Some people seem they can’t understand that and felt naturally rejected because I didn’t appreciate or fall hard for their slight attempts at getting and winning my attention. Needless to say I’m more of a diva now than I’ve ever been before because now I’m even pickier than in my twenties. I have raised my standards even higher before I share my secret with them. However invisible illness number two made me prone to impulsivity, so when they guy I date starts slacking in any way I have no problem moving on. When I commit to a relationship I’m faithful till the end, what I consider the end, which they refused to be the end until I had to make the end even clearer for them to understand it was totally over.
My standards are so high that I thought nobody would want to meet them and was completely ok with it because I’d rather be alone than sharing my time with someone clearly not worthy of it, but if they happen to meet them they are very welcome as long as they keep meeting them. I don’t take anything less than 100% effort and then some more to share of any of my few precious spare time with them.
And this on it’s own has turned into a great self defense system to keep all the frustrated with their life, and therefore toxic, useless men out of my life. Or also any men simply not made to put up with the strong willed independent woman I’m becoming. I don’t need a man, but if I were to have one, he would have to respect me and love me instead of trying to compete with me, trying ot bring me down so he feels better and more competent about himself.
Yes, you’ve guessed it! Miraculous Laura, even if she wants to be single and free, she keeps meeting men who aim to meet these higher standards, and one who actually is succeeding at meeting these new standards and enjoying being treated like the queen she never thought she was, but enjoying the side effects of her less than average mind.
Invisible chronical illness number one it’s called hypothyroidism.
I knew I had it for as long I can remember because I had to take that pill that would make me have a “normal” life everyday which I often forgot to take. Oh yes, if you gave your body that synthetic medicine that butterfly shaped hormone gland would work perfectly.
I think my synthetic medicine covered most of the symptoms related to physical growth and natural development, but left me with the mental symptoms I had no clue I was experiencing most of my life as I got diagnosed and treated from age 5, perhaps because no-one told me it would affect my perspective of life. So I never had memories of a more energetic, positive, driven and goal oriented life. That was funnily enough before my gothic days started. The discovery of alternative music like this saved my life at age 13-14, the discovery of gothic music saved my life again at age 19 just when I was considering calling it quits second time around and finally someone seemed to understand what was going on in my mind as if they could read it and put it all into words.
You know from that moment that you hit rock bottom the only way it’s up. What I never knew it’s that my negative way of thinking and probably what brought me all these other health issues at the time was caused by hypothryoidism.
Some people are good and then suddenly feel depressed. I didn’t know I had been depressed all my life and that is precisely what made me had no motivation, no drive, no sense of purpose, no conscience, and certainly not ability to make it through life like most people did. Even keeping myself alive seemed to take most of my energy. Dragging myself out of bed like a normal person, oh god, just the thought of getting dressed seemed like a horrible tedious task. The only things I enjoyed in life were going out, dance and have fun.
I loved dancing. I’m sure it was my instinct finding copying mechanisms to realease negative energies, and dancing helped me a lot throught my life. I even developed a dancing queen persona on the discos. I would dance to most commercial music and enjoyed so much people asked me if I was paid to dance, even women came to compliment me. So, there,…not the usual goth depressed person trying to slit their wrists you may have in mind when I said I was “depressed” ;D.
However I found more joy in music for the so-called music for depressed people as I could relate to the lyrics and emotions way better.
I took onwernship of my symptoms thinking it was all down to me to control them though and above all I took ownserhip on how I would chose to feel about them. I decided to become my best friend and biggest fan as I already got fed up of being my own worst enemy and beat myself about things I could not control. For whatever reason I was born “faulty” and it was up to me to make the best of my attributes instead of the worst.
But oh that magic day that thanks to the forgetfulness I get from both chronical illnesses combined I realized I forgot to take my pills for something like 10 days running and I had a blood test shortly after my holiday arrival and then I decided to over medicate myself a bit to try to reach the “normal” levels I should have.
Obviously something I chose to do at my own risk and I shouldn’t recommend but it changed my life so much that I’m going to recommend you to at least challenge your doctors in the way they handle your health, as if your own life and experience of life depended on it, because it does.
We tend to leave our lives at the opinion of so called “experts” doctors, but in fact, not a single doctor has to live inside our bodies with our ailments. Yes. They studied and probably studied hard to obtain their knowledge, yes, but each body it’s different, otherwise why would be such a long seemlingly never ending list of side effects to each medication? Must be because medication has different effects on each body, right? depending on the amount of red blood cells it may do you this or that, depending on your heart pressure, depending on your iron levels, depending on your liver, even depending on your stomach bugs and so on. And I think in my case… my meds weren’t having the effect they’re supposed to have.
Luckily now I take a dosage that even though my doctors don’t recommend but it helps me remember to take my pills on a regular basis, so I take it that my forgetfulness it’s essentially a symptom of hypthyroidism in me. However sufferers of chronical invisible illness number 2 also complain about lacking memory a lot, so I had my short term memory affected by two different agents.
As I started to seek answers to what made me me or made me do the things I’m not proud of doing in my youth I went to dig deeper into it and there it was. I also found this webpage of Hypothyroidmom very helpful to understand why I feel most of my life I have been undermedicated due to that golden standard TSH levels endocrinologists followed to medicate you on regardless of the patient.
Going back to how this overdose felt like… I soon noticed that for the first time in my life I actually felt “energetic”. Needless to say I went to my usual endocrinologist to say “Hey, now I can definitely tell a difference in the dosage”, as he used to ask me how I felt, whether I felt tired or low. And honestly to me I guess low or depressed was “normal” for me, I did not know any better to compare it to like most people do when they suddenly get thyroid problems later in life. I was born and raised sluggish, permanently tired and feeling drained most of the time and I thought it was just me being born lazy.
So I’ve fought my way with several doctors or GPs to get what I feel I need to function or make life worth living after I have found how “better” felt. They keep saying I could die from this or that… I think I may die in a car accident tomorrow as far as I’m concerned as well, but whatever time I have left on earth I’d rather live it with energy, motivation and drive to enjoy life and pursuing goals and dreams now that I finally have them.
Invisible chronical illness number two it’s called Attention Deficit Disorder.
And it came to me as a suprise… I thought that of the ADHD only affected children. I think I found about it due to this song:
I couldn’t relate with the physical restlesness… but the “I’m so distracted” could summarize my whole student experience summarized above and match all the school reports I got from age 5 onwards. Some would have the “She is so distracted” written all over them. So I thought I definitely thought to myself I must have had it when I was a child.
And not long after that a side article a link showed up about ADHD in adults. That was like 7 years ago as well, then I thought I definitely related to all those symptoms. Forgetting my stories half way through, leaving things behind everywhere, chaos everywhere I arrived and so on. And apologies if you’re reading this and some paragraphs don’t seem complete. I keep changing my mind on how to organize the content of this blog entry or any writting for that matter.
On one of those many massive told offs I got due to my “crap” but lucky student life my mother used to ask me (out of frustration I hope) “are you stupid or what?” and at age 11 I finally said “I think I must be… honestly, I don’t seem to be able to concentrate or study at all and I want to… I want to be as good as my friends but I can’t” so she told so to the lady doctor when I visited my regular Hypothyroidism specialist, and then I got derived to Mental health.
My parents were scared shitless that I had any mental issues and that was me thinking “Yay! some help to help me understand why I’m such a mess!!”. I think the hypthyroid specialst was on the right track however the Mental Health “specialist” at the time who should have detected this and other issues only resolved to ask me some pretty dumb easy questions concerning names and dates of birth of my relatives and from that he concluded there was nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I was just lazy as f**k and told so to my parents in front of me..
So yeah, not sure how I would have made it past school and even to finish University and with several languages and another 2 NVQ level 3 quals on bilingual administration skills and teaching on the side… if it hadn’t been for my superpowers.
When I read those symptoms and signs to my then partner, he was “yeps…that’s you”. However I had already finished my master’s degree successfully, I had a job, I was married, and had coped somehow all my life without meds so why bother getting a diagnosis or get meds now if I can cope?… but in the end I did it to see if I could run my business more efficiently.
Also my mother thought I was obsessed and self diagnosing myself with something according to her everyone struggled with, yet at the same time blaming me for being always late and forgetful. As if it was up to my own personal choice to forget the vaccination for the child, bringing this or that paper to school, and things of that nature. And no, no amount of post-its or mobile phone reminders helped that day to remind me to bring the vaccination. As usual I had to go back home and get it. So to me it was so clear. I took her to the psychiatrist, as the psychologist I tried getting the diagnosis from said I was alrady having medication for the hypothyroidism so it would have to be a psychiatrist who sends those. I managed to get my GP to refer me, and finally succeeded and got the diagnosis and treatment straight away. This time luckily for me the psychiatrist I had this time said after we briefly explained my life that for what I had told her “I think it’s a clear case of ADHD. The way it affects her life and organization skills”. So well… now trying meds and forgetting to go back to her to tell her that this dosage sometimes gives me headaches. But I only take it on the days I need to concentrate on work the most.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining at all, as you can see I have developed super powers to cope and achieve whatever I need out of life even if it is with some kind of superpowers. In fact, to this day I’m the happiest mum and most fulfilled person I’ve ever been.
And I should be living proof that having those illneses won’t stop or shouldn’t stop you from achieving whatever you want in life.
I am just throwing some light on how it feels or how it felt discovering that actually I am, in great part, a logical consequence of my invisible chronical illnesses… well, the later it’s more a disorder than an illness. But I consider it a great gift now even if most people still don’t get it sometimes I don’t get to choose what my mind feels like doing or focusing on at times.
Not remembering things other people wished I would remember because to them seem logical or a responsible “must do” it’s out of my control… so I won’t feel guilty for it or beat myself up about it wondering why I’m not so more like you anymore.
You can waste as much time as you like trying to tell me how is wrong or trying to make me feel I fail at life for not being just like you want me to be.
And if you are one of those people in the world who feels entitled to give me an opinion on how I should live, act, and live my life according to how you’re living yours or how they taught you to live yours please remember first of all that I’m not like you and that I probably never ever wanted to be like you either even if I could because I refuse to be that full of resentment that I have to make other people feel inferior or small so I feel important. I refuse to be anyhing other than myself, knowing I mean no harm to anyone. Knowing I need not to compare myself with anyone else to understand my own worth, even if it it’s different to your own sense of worth.
However I’m so much more than those major symptoms.
And overall I’m happier than the average person. I’m still listening to my not always so called dark tunes to stay in touch with the hell I lived through trying to get rid of all these social impossitions made on me, starting from having to believe in an invisible entity to come and save me and so on.
I honestly believe music changes lives and and if you need any help on learning how to make the most of yourself or feel less like shit and like a failure for being and wanting different then please don’t hesitate in contacting me or doing my online program to rewire yourself unto your own wild self, the one you are meant to be before society tried to tell you how you had to be. As you’ve read helping other people and trying to understand people it’s what I decicated myself to whilst I was supposed to be studying.
And I already enjoyed, accepted and owned all that I was given and learnt to see the positive of every negative situation and managed to live life on my terms by the time I noticed there was a logical or biological explanation as to why I am this way or behave the way I do much to some people’s dispair.
But hell yeah… just when I was owning being all that it turned out that the major apparent character flaws I have are mainly clear obvious trade mark symptoms of each invisible illness I suffer.
But most people think that’s what makes you you, and let’s call them character flaws because most people still won’t believe how much it affects us and our daily lives. We won’t get any sympathy for it so we might as well pretend we are lazy and chaotic just for the fun of it.
And it’s no excuse really, the fact of having them it’s more an explanation perhaps or a more “forgiveable” reason for completely forget doctor appointments, money, car keys, mobile phone, adding credit to mobile phone or checking up our e-mail for days, forgetting to check if passports are expired or not before or immediately after booking holidays so I don’t have to sort it all out on the same morning prior to go on a flight and so on. People complain but I know and been told to make their lives more interesting and exciting thanks to my adhd slips. ;D
As I was going to copy and paste this on my blog I just realized that my domain had expired on the 1st of January. So here another example on how ADHD affects my life. But I’m not complaining, I learnt to love me this way.
But if you are one of those people in the world who feels entitled to give me an opinion on how I should live, act, and live my life, please remember first of all that I’m not like you and that I might have never ever wanted to.
And now off I go to dance and party home alone, because I can have fun on my own in my own imaginary world.