Every day is not exactly the same

Isn’t it incredible how most people are complaining that their days are/feel exactly the same? I barely have two predictable days in a row and hardly anything goes according to plan.

This year was going to finally be the year I was going to tackle what I thought was my major flaw; my inability to stay organized or in control of things that are apparently important to other people… but my brain has different ideas about it.

It seems as if the Universe itself has come to show me in the shape of Corona virus how much I would have regretted living my pre Corona Virus life any other way than what I’ve previously done so far. ;D

Like I’m only 38 (of 90 I could live) and I’ve done more daring and crazy stuff than I would ever care to admit. So now during quarantine I don’t feel like I’m missing out on life. Nothing to regret on how I’ve been living my life prior to becoming a self-employed mum with barely anytime left for socializing these days. Unless I get paid for it. Then it’s called business and I’m up for it.

Obviously at that time I had other priorities people had for me;

I was supposed to study, I was supposed to be organized, I was supposed to be tidy, I was supposed to pay attention, I was supposed to concentrate, I was supposed to be able to focus on what I wanted, I was supposed to know what I wanted, and I was supposed not to waste time day dreaming about anything that wasn’t being productive or being helpful…. but I guess I was born this way.

Hence why even in quarantine, I’m ok. I don’t feel isolated. I don’t feel like losing my mind or anything. To me it’s like I lost my mind when I was 11. Because I had never been able to fulfill all those expectations of me. So been questioning everything since then.

From my parents reasonings, to religion, to people’s intentions, reactions, behaviours to whatever that picked my curiosity on any given moment.

Because that’s the way it is“…. my most hated wall… when trying to find out the real reason behind a certain issue.

To me it always sounded more like “Because people don’t want to feel uncomfortable trying to change or even think about changing the situation“.

So why does 99% of the population work for the remainder 1%?” Obviously because loads of people can’t face their fears.

And because most people prefer to think change is not possible for good (apparently in their mind change it’s only possible for bad) then here we are, most people today are suffering to a certain extent the way we all think about things they think they can’t change.

In a world that doesn’t really fit or meets the needs of 95% of its inhabitants and we all think it’s unfair… how comes is still the same?

Oh yes…media is very powerful making us feeling helpless or afraid of the consequences of actually taking any action.

So we have usually 95% of the world population doing things for a living they don’t actually enjoy doing just because the world is training them into believing they need that kind of fake stability for the future instead of actually fighting to all be sort of free to do what we all want and like to do best with our time and energy.

And I don’t know if I’ll make it any big, Once I learnt to love myself (you can read full story here) I no longer care if I do or if I don’t. Honestly. As long as I’m happy with myself… I consider myself successful. Most people who don’t like us don’t even like themselves. But you know what? Even if we were to falsely think money and celebrity status is a reflection of personal success. Please remember all those who became famous, got millions of fans and world wide recognition and who are drug addicts, depressed, or killed themselves. World recognition and money is not a measure of success. Being happy and content with what you currently have… is. ;D

I believe it’s because they were busy doing more of what it is expected of them to do more than what they actually really enjoyed doing.

No wonder their world is going to feel empty and dull.

The days that felt that way for me were the days in which I was forced to go to school, highschool and University. Where great part of your success at it will be based on the neurotypical skills you lack from birth. This is like the ugly duckling story. Judging the inability of a swan to look like a damn duck.

And yes, this is not an excuse to be less successful. There are indeed plenty of things we can change about overcoming our self limitating beliefs. But  genetically inherited invisible chronical illnesses are one of those things that are harder to tackle. 

And the way social conditioning works these days is to make people strive to find a safe stable income. Working for the government or working for a legendary private company in hopes that they’re legal enough to make you permanent staff and pay for your pension one day.

That’s all you should worry about. Having money in the future. The system rewards permanent job contracts with the possibility of getting a loan to buy a house, a car, pay for your degree, and what not. If you have a permanent contract you would also have it easy to rent a flat anywhere, get a mobile phone contract, and what now. And the system punishes you with the inability of doing all that if you haven’t. Then the system also rewards all big companies to be able to not to hire you permantently so they pay less for the employees they have. So you may end up spending all your life working and still have no security whatsoever. Amazing, really. What is most amazing is that some people would still do it just to be able to get the latest most fashionable mobile phones as soon as they come out. But well… a question of priorities. I guess.

And yes people who recommend you to strive to find that security may have the best of intentions for you in trying to get you to pursue stability. As after all it has worked for them so they think that’s the best way to survive.

But remember, that’s them. It depends really on how they were raised, it depends what their fears were growing up and it depends on what their needs at the time were.

And you are you. And the truth is that you were raised on a household that whether you liked it or not you inherited tons of values, ideas and methods that worked for them. And unless you’re a bit rebellious and like to question about pretty much anything… you take all those as the absolute truth.

Then you go to school, you meet other people, their values clash with yours, then your teachers put some new concepts, ideas and beliefs that suit their concept of how the world should be and what you should do with your life.

And yes… I think by the time you’re 18 you haven’t got the slightest clue of what is yours or what is inherited form other people.

I mean.. of course you can be very aware of some beliefs belonging to you as you grow up, after all I was only 13 or 14 when I shocked one of my religious grandmas with my arguments about why I wasn’t going to pray that night (I had prayed with my other grandma sometimes when I was little as we shared the same bedroom) and it was all nonesense to me why we were doing that for, really. So yes, at least I was very confident it was my parents who earned the house by getting up early on their own effort to go to work. She wasn’t going to convince of the opposite. But still… there are so many other beliefs that on my mind that by the age of 19 I still find myself picking up and examing them like “uggh how did this one got here? where the hell did I get this idea from?”.

Most of my attributes that make me enjoy my life to the fullest are precisely the ones I’ve been bullied the most for having. You can read that story here.

And as I was somewhat naive enough to actually get to know that some people are twisted enough to tell you the opposite of what it attracts them of you because you threat their confidence. Or simply because your spirits irritate their demons. I was made to think wrongly about myself.

So as I grew older… I’ve realized that actually, I made an amazing job at living my life regardless of their opinions.

“Omg, I can’t believe you did that!! don’t you think that might scare him away?”. So… instead of admitting: “Damn girl, I wish I had the courage to set boundaries so straighforward as you do” (which some healthy people did admit to me and thanks to that I realized perhaps it wasn’t a bad habit but actually an asset) the not very assertive or daring ones felt the need to make you feel inadequate or doubt yourself for being honest and straight to the point.

Basically, insecure people will feel the need to make you doubt yourself or bring you down rather than admitting they’re lacking in that which you have. Hence… your spirits irritate their demons. It makes them jealous or it makes them feel less than you even though you’re not actually trying to compete at all.

So in reality I’m a daring risk-taking multi-faceted beautiful individual who doesn’t waste time or energy on things that are not meant for her. Period.

But my lack of routines and predictability also turn out to make my life exciting.

And you may think I’m irresponsible. I don’t care, I would much rather live my life the way I enjoy doing so more than livin it the boring way others expect me to.

Or do we need more people killing themselves because they think they don’t fit in because they’ve been bullied to believe they are useless just because they didn’t meet our expectations?

So, even though for years on end I felt I was losing at life by not being able to stick to tight routines and their imposed lifestyle now I think having prioritized having fun, making connections and hobbies over their choice has only made me stay sane and out of drugs for example. Like my brain is so full of inspiring ideas and thoughts that I don’t need to escape it.

And, oh yes, my poor kids you may be thinking. After all, I should have sticked to routines for them… so they would feel secure, safe and structured. Tough. The only thing that is for sure they’re going to get is tons of hugs, tons of kisses and tons of freedom for them to become who they want to be. And loads of lessons on not to bully other people just because they are different to them.

So the future after the covid doesn’t bother me all that much if I got to survive this far. Not like I wish to catch it and die. But if I come out alive, I’ll find a way to raise my kids somehow. Or they will find it. I’m raising them to be adaptable like that and not to take uncertainty for granted by giving them a false sense of security. As now, with the Covid, imagine… hahaha. For my generation going to school was a M-F dreaded fact. But for them… it’s something that all of a sudden they don’t have to do. So this generation will already grow with the idea that things may change from one day to the next, and that they will find a way to adapt to it.

And no… I wasn’t always this kind of positive happy person. You can read below how being expected to be something you are not could make anyone feel miserable.

So please don’t shame anyone for being themselves. Extremely bullied kids sometimes feel the need to go and bully other kids so they feel better about themselves. Extremely abused people don’t go abusing other people just for fun, they’ve been raised that way. So if you happen to parent a child and be reading this…

You are the one in charge of filling their bucket of self love and confidence by telling them how their attributes will make them stand out. Instead of beating them into conform to your expectations of them.

Don’t bloody tell them the’re not good enough, they’re not organized enough, they’re not smart enough, they’re not lovely enough, they’re not whatever you think they should be enough.

That’s in fact, probably, the main reason what makes other people be dissatisfied with their lives enough that later in life pushes them to say the opposite of what they think (being twisted and bitter), to show the opposite of what they feel (withholding affection or admiration) and to go through life being the opposite of what they actually wanted to be.

Because healthy confident people don’t see any threat in you being yourself they’re not on a race to compete with anyone. They don’t need to outshine you so they feel better about themselves. They are aware you have your own unique set of qualities and they have theirs.

However… I’m a biggie on self-improvement and yes, once managed to survive I thought, let’s challenge myself to do this or to do that. Just so I’m aware I’ve tried and just to confirmed perhaps I’m wired a different way.

I actually trained myself to be all those attributes I wanted going on for myself. I didn’t hate the person that embodied them. No. I took them as inspiration. I observed them and I learnt from them. Some were even fictional characters in a novel… so not much to envy about them. Is there?

So.. if you hate me for being positive… what about you learn below what it took me to change my mind from negative to positive?

What made me change my belief from negative into positive… It was actually music that most people would find depressing or negative.

In fact, most intelligent people become depressed after realizing the way the world works and the reason we can’t change it.

And you know why we can’t change it? Too many twisted people telling you what you can do and what you can’t do and us believing their opinions to be true.

Perhaps due to the explicit lyric content or perhaps just due to the awareness the lyrics raised in people and the potential it had for people to start questioning stuff.

Because most people want you to be a slave to ideas, beliefs and behaviours they preach but they don’t even follow through themselves. Hello church raping kids… hello people telling you all about being generous yet not putting any money to end with world hunger. Hello people shaming women from aborting lives nobody knows who they would end up being abused by. What a strange coincidence…

Those are the very same to ask for miracles. Aren’t they? Those are the same that ask you for money to give to charity, those are the same that shames people for having sexual arousal or being different…. how convenient. Yet people can’t see through that and the power they have to shape their brains into conformity and submission making change for the 95% of the population kind of impossible. Making the 4% aware of this suffer with depression and frustration.

But back to how I changed my paradigm and became more aware of the power of my own mind to make my own future brighter… below are some examples of how it felt and how some of these songs from this, my favourite artist, changed me.


The visionary I guess are born to deal comfortably with chaos and uncertainty.

Because when you actually get to enjoy all these feelings for being compulsory sent to school, high school and university… perhaps you’re wired differently and therefore end up somewhat resentful and lose track of who you are. No wonder I didn’t do all that well in my Academic life.

By the time you end up… you no longer have a clue of who the hell you are … and you wish there was something true to believe in … really.

And yes, for years on end I wanted to give up…

But then, finally, the song below helped me see what the problem really was… changing the attitude shift.

Because when you hit rock bottom … then you’re convinced it can’t get any worse than it had been so far. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…

I guess I became bulletproof for life….

Simultaneously I was also discovering the downward spiral…. The song below alone could revert any victim patterns you may have left.

After all, your mind is yours to control… And although some people are kind of twisted and evil…. you can

“You let me do this to you” – For example letting in opinions of other people and allow them become your reality.

We all allow that from an early age because we are innocent enough to think everyone is honest, everyone is well intentioned or want the best for you. And you end up most of your life not being aware your brain is full of thoughts, opinions and beliefs that don’t even belong to you.

Is your pessimissim one of those attributes? want to change it?

Then be very mindful with which images, thoughts, ideas, music, people you fill your head with, because most of that will go into your head, and if your head is full of shit, so your life will be.

Do you want things to go good or do you things to go bad? and if you want them to go good then why are you picturing the worst scenarios in your mind about it? And with it… sort of creating it? Humankind thinking negatively are just creating “miracles”, just not the right ones.

I can think positively of my future and for myself, unfortunately, I can’t do for the majority of people out there. So in my mind goes the hope that some other people may start considering changing their negative beliefs into positive ones.

And in times of COVID19 …

What most single people are missing the most … is that closeness. XD

But if you don’t fill that void for yourself… then… not even with a partner at home you’ll find that closeness. Nothing wrong in wanting to do it like an animal, though!

You’re more likely to become godly at it when when your whole existence is FLAWSOME because nevermind how many flaws you have those are perhaps what makes you awesome ;D. Then sex gets incredibly wild… ;D. Because remember, once you become wild, you’re confident enough to ask for what you want and how you want it 😛

And last but not least… this song also helps changing your perception about the world…. and acknowledging that you don’t have to precisely fit in it.

“less concerned about fitting into the world, your world, that is”.

After all… we all perceive people as we are not as they really are. And hence the disappointments. So … since you can be happy and fulfilled on your own you’ll quickly recognize which ones feel good and which ones bad.

So yeah… don’t let people tell you there is something wrong with being the way you are. Don’t let them label you with their opinions of you, most times it reflects their insecurities more than your actual traits.

In the end we all have to embrace our shady self to be successful.

Yes… I choose different music for different things… want to feel happy and positive? try listen to the selection I made HERE. Let me know if it works…. ;D

And yes… I have plenty of playlists for all sorts of purposes or moods!! ;D. So, you choose how do you want to feel…. confident? positive? sexy? dark-ish? edgy? feel alive? fly? wild? rebellious? motivated? inspired? empowered?….

Any kind of attitude change is possible…

And physical change is also possible. Being the single bread winner of two kids at home doesn’t mean I can’t get my body back slowly but surely.

Now… don’t expect me to be organized or methodic about it. But at least I am more or less publishing once a week on that challenge to show it’s possible and with the minimal effort of 5 mins a day or 3 or 4 15 min workouts per week because I’m lazy like that!! ups.. sorry, because I like to pace it like that! ;P

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