Someone asked me recently on a private message;
How not to fall in love with a girl?
but I will address it in general as to… How not to fall in love in general.
Here is my reply to them and anyone who may want to avoid falling in love.
Be objective, be mindful and be conscious.
Extended answer and explanation
When you’re confident you want to focus on your career goals, business goals or other personal goals like that one of not wanting to fall in love, it’s a lot easier to stay objective of the influence and possible purpose that another person may bring into your life.
That way, even if someone super fancy comes your way and tries to sweep you off your feet you can always stay grounded and focused on your stuff first by asking yourself these simple questions every time you feel like you’re enjoying their attentions way more than you’re actually focusing on your goals.
- How thinking about this person is contributing to me sticking to my current goals?
Yes, they’re beautiful, gorgeous, they seem to be everything you’ve always wanted and more…. but please, be aware;
IF you find that you’re wasting more time making plans with them than actually making arrangements to fulfill your original goals then you know you ought to let them go right that moment, because that’s a clear symptom you’re just about to fall in love.
If however they’re helping your your goals one way or another (I know, we can also justify this with plenty of excuses like “well, thanks to them I’m getting to open my social circle a lot more” or “if we can work together, chemistry is right and they’re open to have some kind of non-committed yet exclusive sexual relationship, that could be perfect, right?” etc.) perhaps they’re worth a little bit of investing on your side, but never, ever… do sacrifices just to keep them by your side. Never invest more than necessary to get you closer to your goals, otherwise it stops getting you nearer your goals and it turns more into the love relationship you didn’t intend to have.
So whatever you do with them, try to stay focused on the real reason why you’re doing it, this may help you stay more objective of what they do, how they do it and how does that feel for you, that way you’re not so easily swept off your feet. If your time and emotional investment is more connected to reach your goals than it is to please them then you won’t feel such a hearbreak and you’ll recover way quicker than with a proper one where you invested a lot of time and hopes.
But please, wherever possible don’t use people just to get you closer to your goals. Instead, just try to stay away from places where you know you can meet men/women, especially if you’ve become aware that you’re actually highly attractive to everyone you meet these days, probably because they can smell you don’t want people, it somehow works like a magnet. But yes, it’s unavoidable that you’ll eventually get to meet people at work with whom you may feel a strong sense of chemistry that you want to explore. It’s only on those cases that you you have to wonder whether or not you should invest any further time talking with them and how much of a positive or negative impact they could have on your time.
However, bear in mind that if you choose to let any person enter your life a bit they may end up creating some sort of emotional attachment and things can get complicated, it’s never as good and as easy as it goes on the first encounters, so perhaps you ought to cut them off straight away if you do really want to stay single and drama free to focus on your goals.
So please, if you really want to stay focused and not fall in love don’t try to convince yourself on all the ways they could help contribute you achieving your goals faster when perhaps all you’ll be doing by letting them in is justify them keeping you off track of your goals and make achieving those a lot longer.
- Am I willing to give up on my goals just for this unsolicited attention I’m gettting?
Yes, they might be gorgeous, to die for, lovely and loving, but were you even looking for a relationship? are you actually ready for a relationship? do they meet your standards? Do you just enjoy their attention? and if you just want their attention, why do you want their attention for? Usually what we like in other people is the attributes we think we lack. So focus on finding or creating those attributes within you and you’ll stop idealizing them before you actually fall in love with them.
Remember as well that nevermind how good, nice and harmless does it feel at the beginning, things always get complicated in the long run with all the boundaries, their way of doing things, etc. So don’t let the first days of beautiful smiles and beautiful eyes fool you.
If they’re meant to be in your life, they’ll find a way around it, but that won’t be your problem as long as you’re always honest and straight forward from the start that you’re not interested in a loving relationship, that at the moment you have other priorities and a love relationship isn’t one of them. It’s up to them if they break their own hearts trying to please you or trying to seduce you, or thinking they’ll break in into your heart. You have been honest, if they haven’t been honest with their intentions towards you, it’s up to them. You were truthful and honest. So please, don’t feel guilt tripped into a relationship you don’t want to have just because they’re loving, they’re caring and what not. Everybody is at the beginning of a relationship, they’ll always try to put their nicest step forward to charm you, but what would happen if you relax and let them in? you’ll be allowing them to drive you away from whatever goals you have.
- Will my dreams or goals wake up one day and decide to leave me?
Definitely not, they will not leave you and they will never betray you. So whatever reasons you may have to not want to fall in love, those are legit. And this question is a good reminder that you will always do well by sticking to your guns and your goals, because when you sacrifice your goals or your dreams to please or keep the company or attention of someone else is when you start to lose yourself for someone that doen’t even meet your standards, just because they showered you with some unsolicited attention? or just because they look great? that shouldn’t be a reason good enough to betray yourself, your goals and your dreams.
Always note what you want to achieve and never lose sight of that whenever you have to choose between committing to your goals or to a certain person or relationship. That means, don’t free up space on your goal agenda to meet up with them, you can meet up when you can, if it suits them perfectly, if it bothers them that you barely have time, then that’s a good dealbreaker excuse so you can keep them out of your life easily and with well grounded reasons.
- Set incredibly high standards.
The higher your standards the less likely people are going to meet them, the more objective you are whether they meet them or not and the easier it will be to get rid of people who don’t meet them.
Yes, he’s handsome but does he have a house of his own? yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous but will she know how to cook a meal for 7 in case I fall in love and I want to introduce her to my family? yes, he’s tall, handsome and fit but does he even know how to write properly?
Once you achieve your personal goals (those who right now are asking you to stay out of love or prevent you from falling in love) then you can perhaps be more linient with your standards, perhaps you can later say “well, now that I have my life sorted I can relax a bit on this on that, perhaps they don’t need to live near by, perhaps they don’t have to like the same music I do or floss their teeth twice a day.
I’ve listed some basic standards below, but you should get as picky as you want. The pickier the harder it would be you’ll find someone who could justify your time investment on them, so you’ll be willing to detach as soon as it’s shown they want something different or you’re not all that compatible.
All these techniques are obviously easier said than done.
But I personally think you will find it harder to fall in love when you can be so objective and aware of the influence a new person is having on your life and whether or not are they meeting your standards enough as to justify wasting time paying them any attention.
It seems cold and detached, but I think first we must meet the standards we want to see in other people, and if you want to stay out of love so be it until you are satisfied with yourself. Because noone is going to bring that satisfaction for you, unless you bring it for yourself. And unless you can fully wholeheartedly love yourself you can’t love anyone else, so you’ll be better off staying single anyway. Sometimes you do love yourself but you still respect your intentions enough to not fall in love with someone else until you have achieved yet a new level or a goal, and that’s admirable too. Sadly, that’s way too attractive too and it seems to work like a magnet.