2020 will be a year in which I will dare myself to be even more fearless than I have ever been before.
And I’ve been fearless for about 20 years….and it’s like my comfort zone.
But recently I realized the fears I had before I reached that age in which I became fearless are now haunting me.
And what fears are those?
Ohh well… these are really silly and hard to explain for a grown-up myself.
But, basically, back in the day, I didn’t give my curiosity or feelings the importance they deserved due to fear. Well, I wasn’t either being myself due to fear of scaring the guy away, so I wasn’t really being my usual self when I noticed I liked a guy.
Surprisingly enough with the guys I didn’t like… I had a lot of success, and even got like 98% of any male friends confessing me how much they liked me or even kissed me including crushes I thought were impossible for me to get. But only after I refocused on someone else and they, themselves started doubting their own existence so much so they had to come and get my attention again.
The other 2% representing my male gay friends.
So yeah, that fear of actually being my real self… died. I realized… that was my biggest asset ever.
And I hated it feeling this way for these crushes because I couldn’t control the way my body reacted to their presence when I finally had a chance to be face to face with them.
Thanks to a five year old experience (Shakira seems to definitely know the feeling) I had with one of those crushes I swore to myself that I would not allow myself to catch feelings for men who didn’t follow this and a couple more of my standards.
It worked like a charm. I couldn’t care less about men for years on end. And yet they put more effort in me than ever.
So I guess from that moment onwards it was me calling the shots and not the other way around.
And any man who suddenly started slacking, showing signs of not being as interested as usual, showing inconsistency and incoherent behaviour I would get rid off. Ensuring he would not waste any of my precious time.
I never got those stupid physical reactions to anyone else again. My ex husband was once a mixed signal crush but because I was confident when I first met him I had no issues in being myself. Like, even if I found him quite handsome back in the day I had no problem approaching him and asking him to dj songs or engage in conversations with him. When we met after 5 years I started gettting a heat rush, but that was all.
I thought those reactions were logical and made sense in the past and logically I wouldn’t have such a physical reactions to these guys as a grown-up.
I was terribly wrong!!
And my teenage feelings is like they come back when I bump into these crushes I had from my past. And below is the feeling I want to get rid off.
I tried to rationalize it in a million ways as I don’t think I physically or mentally find those guys attractive these days. So it’s definitely something of my past self being challenged here.
And I would most likely want to leave it in the past and move on with daily life. But that’s exactly what my old self did in the past and that’s why I guess this situation keeps happening.
I did let these things die in the past, just to avoid stepping outside my comfort zone. And I wouldn’t be writing this had I back in the day gathered 20 seconds of insane courage to step out of my then comfort zone to just show a natural interest in them.
And I’ve been avoiding dealing with this issue for so many years because I moved to another country. Since I didn’t bump into them I didn’t feel this uncomfortable at all, so I never felt the need to deal with it for years.
Then… life, destiny, fate, coincidence or whatever the hell you want to call it makes them cross my way and a deep stare into my eyes from them and I finally got to understand what John Travolta was singing about with “I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control, cause the power you’re supplying, is electrifying”.
But it’s not like a turn on feeling like the other girls were singing about. It’s more innocent than that because it’s like just getting their attention back in the day for me was simply enough.
But in the end I always got all my crushes interested in me at some point (usually when I couldn’t care less about them and didn’t give a shit about what could happen because I had found someone else to focus on).
But these days…. I don’t make moves on guys I want. If I’m not their priority they don’t even have any space on my head. And they’ve got to work their asses off to call my attention because I’m not even looking.
What if they too are those kind of confident men that do not want shy insecure women at all? I have had my fair share of bold moves with men… and I think… long term I regretted them all. Because deep down my biologically analytical mind somehow is telling me that it should be the male “pushing the button“.
So what am I going to do about it?
I’m going to risk my current comfort zone.
I do not even want a relationship with anyone at this particular point in time because all I want is to earn my own money and stay focused on my business goals.
And if I wanted one I already know someone fantastic for that purpose who already has proven to meet 95% of the the sooo many high standards I require and need to know they have to even feel slightly tempted to throw my wanting to be single rule out of the window and waste any of my time on men these days. So it’s not like I’m desperate for male attention. It’s just something fun to research too. So I can test my theories on men.
I had to cut that amazing situationship out because somehow, deep down, I feel like I owe it to myself being single way longer than that I had been before that amazing guy found me.
I also like to keep the promises I make to myself and I ought to explore the full extent of my mind powers,
And I’m going to follow whatever my gut instinct tells me I should do to break such a spell. Even if it goes against my current standard.
Because all I want to know is what is it exactly I have to do to get my usual power back when in the presence of these two crushes that are haunting me from the past so I can make peace with it and continue being my authentic unapologetic fearless self.
And I know I’m fucking worthy and amazing. Yet… shit happens when I bump into these men and it takes me to the times when I didn’t feel all that amazing.
And how will I find out?
I guess I have to listen to my gut instinct who was already on a mission with a stranger to explore her full potential after I moved out from my ex.
So I’m going to focus on the one I was focusing on to attract without realizing he was my youth crush. Let’s call him S.
The other one is married and I do respect that completely so not really planning to do anything with that one, even though I managed that one to show me interest enough as to ask for my telephone number. Since I know as a fact the first I doubt is married … I will focus my research and test my theories on S.
S… from Stranger. As I was on mission to demonstrate anyone can get any person they want without even really do anything about it other than actually doing your stuff and let them come your way.
As this was more like a hypothetical thing unlikely to happen and not me getting a crush form the past interested.. I felt like aborting the origianl mission and work on this one instead of trying to figure out why only some men have that power. The only standard I was asking for at that time is that he was self employed and single/divorced. So I would draw such a stranger to me somehow. I felt he had was his own company based on the car he himself led me to by for example walking probably unintentionally ahead of me several days… hence how I noticed it was the same guy time and time again…. like “i can’t believe I keep noticing the same guy yet I haven’t even seen his face”-
To me he was just a non-identifiable presence that caught my attention… not too tall, not too skinny, not too fat, not wearing inform, not wearing peculiar clothes, not bald, not identifiable sort of describes him well. Yet I knew it was him when I unvoluntarily spotted him. So yes, more like a person it was a magnetic presence I was drawn to rather than specific faceial features, otherwise I would have logically recognized him perhaps, but I think the only recognizable thing about him was his brown hair, sunglasses and his magnetic vibe. I kept noticing S in the mornings to the point that we started acknowledging each other’s presence in the distance with a nod and a smile before I realized who he actually was.
So now what?
I don’t know if my mind powers are all that strong that I turned that seemingly total stranger into someone I knew and someone I could one day have to contact or get in touch with… but that’s exactly how it happened. It went from stranger to someone that wasn’t all that strange to me at all. And I went from not knowing nothing about him to actually even know where he lived and more.
Up till now whenever I can I have avoided him I have done.
So the planets aligned somehow and a phone conversation and face to face encounter happened. But the reason had nothing to do with us, it was a side effect of my original mission of drawing S closer to me.
Since I knew it was inevitable that we would have to talk face to face I had time to try to relax and think of plenty of ways to try and strike a normal engaging conversation. But nah…. when he came instead of the natural relaxed authentic self the unintentional standoffish bloody ice queen self showed up.
And I love that one too…and I thought… “look, perhaps my body instinctively knows which one is the right one one to bring out in his presence. If that’s me around him… that’s it. I can’t help and I can’t change it”.
I felt like texting him back that night apologizing for forgetting to offer him a drink or a lift back home that day but then I remembered…. “Hello? you don’t chase men at all. If he’s bothered, he’ll do something about it”. Really when it comes to people no action at all is an action in itself. So just let it be. Who cares what he thinks of you now? if he likes it great, if it makes him feel uncomfortable great. If he doesn’t give a fuck even better!!”. So there…. me just doing me.
The instinct kicked in with a response
As days went buy I started to feel like bombarded with his energy and I guess the gut said that in order to break the spell perhaps I had just to be honest with myself and with him and admit I had a crush on him in the past and that his presence makes me nervous.
I started finding loads of excuses to talk myself out of it, though.
“So why am I talking myself out of doing this? what am I afraid of? why am I not doing what I know fearless Laura would do to avoid feeling this way? why do I even care if he cares or likes me at all… I just want my ability to be my genuine self back around anyone”.
Because this year I’ve set up on a goal to be 100% in control of my life. And that definitely includes tackling whatever it needs to be tackled. These feeble mysterious “feelings” for S included.
I texted him.
Making the most of an excuse I had to text him due to something else and the fact that he as usual replied straight away… I said to myself ; OK THIS IS IT.
I first thought I should tell him in person… but got it like another excuse to get me out of doing it and I just want this out of my head. Now.” So I followed with a text:
“Ohh and sorry, last time we met I was thinking on giving you both a lift back home and I completely forgot. Not sure what is it with you but I get nervous when I am around you and I think it’s because when I was little I never dared to tell you that you caught my eye even I don’t know exactly what for. So if you ever felt anything weird when around me…. it was that. Now I hope to be able to be my usual self”.
That was it… I did it!!… I let it out and since I got busy straight away I couldn’t even think or wait for a reply. I was just happy I got it out of my chest or out of my head. You can see how other people feel when they do such a thing in the video below;
“Hahaha. Don’t you worry. Looking forward to meet your usual self”.
I honestly didn’t expect any reply back at all. His reply was cute and it was just like the instant reward and gratification for those 20 seconds of courage I had just mustered to let my real self go.
We had two more messages back and forth and that was all about it.
BUT I DID IT!! And it’s worked like a charm…. like… perhaps what I needed was just to let myself be seen real and vulnerable with my feelings not expecting a reaction. Just letting him deal with it.
What was at risk?
The connection I had with someone else who I know is amazing but I’m not looking forward to settle down with just yet. In fact… I don’t know if I want to settle down with anyone at any given point in the next few years.
The weak connection I had with S which really wasn’t made organically by us but always with an excuse… if it has to happen it will. And it will be him making any kind of effort to get it back.
Has that action got rid of the spell? I won’t know until I have to face him again. And I’m really not looking forward to it. Lol
So.. yes… I guess what I was afraid back when I was a teenager was that of giving my heart to break…
The only difference now to then… is that I don’t care all that much whether they like or not. I just wanted sort of out of my chest.
I went even further in being vulnerable and I said… :”Oh yes…I hope that was the solution to get rid of that evil spell… and get my “normal”. And a laughing with tears in my eyes icon to go along with it saying “I’m not completely sure that was the solution” and he didn’t replied to that one. So … there…. I think I made it obvious. Or didn’t I?
Anything to regret?
Oh yes! I wished I could have just waited enough to say it to his face… I didn’t really wanted to say it via text to have more of an impact. But oh well.
Yes. Now I’m slightly afraid he’ll find me attractive for being vulnerable enough to do so and me not liking him really interesting if I get to know him deeper/better.
However I hope he doesn’t … because he’ll have to put a lot of work to impress me after having got to know me and not pushed the button straight away.
But that’s all about it. I’m definitely not going to lift another finger in that sense with him.
By the way …. writing all about it and broadcasting with the possibility of them both two actually reading it…. it’s the second fearless action of the year!! ;D.
Perhaps they’re not. All I ever felt for those guys was the undying curiosity to get to know their real selves to be able to form an opinion as to whether I liked them or not and what for.
I just did this experiment to sort of erradicate a fear and abort the mission with someone when I realized my standards had change and it made no sense to continue leading him on if I wasn’t sure I would like what I would find.
It happened on the second week of January and I have no updates… If any more fearless actions this month…. I will be posting them below or in the month of February.
Another fearless thing I’m doing this year?
Well.. if a couple months down the line I still feel like I am hooked on this strange feeling for S… I may try calling them and ask them out on a date like those brave people did in the video below. Watcching it is kind of kathartic.