“Meet Laura, Queen of chaos, empress of darkness also known as a lazy natural disaster on legs”.
But guess what? I wouldn’t be any other way. I guess I was born this way… and if my reckless ways haven’t got me killed yet then I guess I was born survive things that most people can’t even bear to think.
As they say… “some drown in a glass of water, others drink the water and sell the glass”. I guess I’m turning more into the second kind of people.
Nobody told me when I was young it was ok to be born this way, though. My mother didn’t tell me and Lady Gaga wasn’t around either.
I had to figure it all out on my own after many years of feeling like utter shit and taking tons of shit from a lot of shit people who obviously noticed my inability to do “normal” well and felt the need to pick up on me.
Honestly, I always knew there was something not quite right with me from age 11 or 12. My friends got all straight As and were ever so good students, I wanted to do well as well, but I knew I was lacking something.
Unlike Lady gaga though I guess I just have to thanks my genetic input for creating me this way.
Most people think my most notorious characteristics or flaws are actually clear cut symptoms of my both invisible chronical illnesses.
Invisible chronical illness Number 1 symptoms;
- Feeling Tired (what a coincidence)
- Trouble concentrating and Remembering stuff (go figure!!)
- Feeling Down or Depressed (not surprised)
Invisible chronical illness Number 2 symptoms:
- Disorganization and problems prioritizing (hello?)
- Poor time management skills (hello?)
- Problems focusing on a task
- Poor planning
- Low frustration tolerance
- Frequent mood swings
Now… nevermind how obvious all those symptoms have impacted my life… don’t try to tell people about your invisible chronic physical or mental illness that makes you do this or be that way. They won’t see it.
It seems they can only see the physical ones, they will not ask a blind person to make an effort to actually “look”, would they? or ask a deaf-mute person to actually just try to talk, it’s just that simple, why woulnd’t they just go and do it? right? if they’re not seeing or talking it’s because they’re not trying “hard” enough.
But to someone who suffers from forgetfulness, disorganization and distraction it’s perfectly ok to tell them “why the fuck don’t you concentrate on your studies? how could you forget about this or that? are you stupid? are you telling me that you’re unable to set your own priorities?” how could you be such a disaster?”
It’s nothing I can keep under control, though I try. I try to be responsible and do as much as I can to it keep it under control. I swear. I try. All the time. In fact… it’s called a disorder because it impacts my life negatively.
Although I get extremely thankful nobody gets to find out exactly how much money and time of my life is actually wasted dealing with all the negative side effects of my forgetful foggy disorganized brain (driving fines, parking tolls, time wasted calling someone to open the door for you, etc).
The problem is when it becomes notoriously difficult to hide our “mess-ups” to other people (symptoms!!!).
Because the moment anything of other people’s lives or plans remotely depends on my good organizational skills in order to succeed or have an “easy” or a “smooth” life, then conflict arises.
This is because my inability to tell my brain what to remember or what to pay attention to or what to focus on mystifies the hell out of people who apparently have a full command of their focus and attention.
“why is your phone always on silent mode?”, “How could you forget to put the volume back after you left the meeting?” “what kind of parent is not responsible enough to remember this or that??” “how could you book a flight and not check the passport expiring date prior to that?”.
I admit is not something I do on purpose at all. Yet I somewhat grew to love that I have rebellious brain of my own which chooses its own priorities over the priorities of other people.
After all, some are just pissed off they can’t control us when they want to or as much as they wished to. So it’s perhaps a self-defence mechanism. Perhaps we are designed to be wild and free. Not following someone else’s expectations of us.
Let’s just be thankful we don’t live in that “1984” world Orson Wells depicted back in the day and we can still embrace our unique randomness.
Not sure for how long though …. (especially since Covid started)
And I began to own it and flaunt it because that which makes us different makes us unique.
And so…. what if actually my meant to be soooo negative traits are actually all blessing in disguise to actually survive living in a world surrounded by boring methodical people that do what they’re told 24/7? I’ve got a mind with a mind of it’s own!!
But I can tell you that thanks to this my life is full of exciment. There is always something new I learn to cope with. If you suffer from any of that I can also help you how to cope or deal with it. To go from Lazy to Straight A’s. How to go from low energy to super energetic, how to go from low self-esteem to diva, etc etc.
Invisible chronical illness number one it’s called hypothyroidism.
Tips on surviving with hypothyroidism:
Challenge your doctors in the way they handle your health, as if your own life and experience of life depended on it, because it does.
We tend to leave our lives at the opinion and handling of so called “experts” doctors, but in fact, not a single doctor has to live inside our bodies or minds with our own set of ailments. So they don’t know how they pills impact us.
Yes. They studied, and probably studied hard, to obtain their knowledge. But… each body it’s different, otherwise why would be such a long seemlingly never ending list of side effects to each medication?
Must be because medication has different effects on different bodies, right? depending on the amount of red blood cells it may do you this or that, depending on your heart pressure, depending on your iron levels, depending on your liver, even depending on your stomach bugs and so on.
And I think in my case… my meds weren’t having the effect they were supposed to have. Yes, physically I was well developed, but I think I wasn’t taking enough dosage and that was keeping me clinically depressed..
Luckily now I take a dosage that, even though my doctors don’t recommend, helps me remember to take my pills on a regular basis. And that has managed to improve my life overall when it comes to forgetfulness. At least now I remember to take them every day. It has taken me like 30 years to develop such a habit or see it as a habit I should develop.
I also found this webpage of Hypothyroidmom very helpful to understand why I feel that most of my life I have actually been undermedicated due to that golden standard TSH levels endocrinologists followed to medicate you on regardless of the patient.
So I’ve fought my way with several doctors or GPs to get what I feel I need to function or make my life worth living after I have discovered I sometimes feel energetic!!
They keep saying I could die from this or that side-effect and that I’m overdosing. To me, as far as I’m concerned I think I could also die tomorrow in a car accident and that could be fine. So I better risk living shorter feeling at my best… that live long 20 years with no drive or motivation whatsoever.
Fear…of dying is something I lost a loooong time ago.
Invisible chronical illness number two it’s called Attention Deficit Disorder.
And it came to me as a suprise… I found about it due to this song:
I couldn’t relate with the physical restlesness… but the “I’m so distracted” could definitely summarize my whole student experience ever since I got to school. Some school reports would have “SHE IS VERY SLOW AND GETS SO DISTRACTED” written in capital letters all over the observation section of the school report.
When I read the symptoms I ticked most of the boxes and I would swear I had it. When I read them to my ex partner at the time said “That’s so you”.
However I had already finished my master’s degree successfully, I had a job, I was married, and had coped somehow all my life without meds. So I felt no need to get a diagnosis.
But in the end I pursued a diagnosis just to see if I could run my business more efficiently.
Also, my mother thought I was obsessed and self diagnosing myself with something according to her everyone struggled with, yet at the same time telling me off big deal for displaying all these symptoms explained above.
And no, no amount of post-its or mobile phone reminders ever helped.
I managed to get my GP to refer me, and finally succeeded and got the diagnosis and treatment straight away. “I think it’s a clear case of ADHD. The way it affects her life and organization skills”. Right in front of my mother who still refuses to believe this experct but prefers to believe the one we once visited when I was 11 or 12 that said “nothing wrong with your daughter, she’s just lazy af”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining at all, as you can see I have developed super powers to cope and achieve with whatever I need out of life.
And having these invisible chronic illnesses it’s no excuse to get what you want. One of my invisible illnesses should have me depressed and fat and another one should have me hopeless or helpless. But I’m none of those.
Are we all biologically gifted to learn by heart? are we all biologically gifted to be disciplined? are we all wired to focus on the same exact things or to value security and stability over uncertainty and spontaneity all the damn time? I very much doubt so.
But neurotypical brains will never get it.. and they’ll constantly ask “how could she forget about …… doctor appointments, taking purse with her, car keys, mobile phone, adding credit to mobile phone or checking up her e-mail, whatsapp, reply to my message, check if passports are expired or not, the vaccination when due a vaccination appointment… etc etc.”
And yes, we all need to become responsible of our actions and earn a living somehow. But making a fish feel useless for its inability to climb a tree is something I find it a bit sadistic and unfair. And it also distracts the fish from being a fish successfully. It’s like the ugly duckling story. How are you expected to perform like a duck when you’re in fact created and designed to be a bloody flawless swan.
People like to complain a lot but I know and have reportedly been told to make their lives way more interesting and exciting thanks to all my adhd slips. They get high on all the last minute arrangements and how I manage to get by in the end. Oh yes. I add excitement and unpredicatibility into their other somewhat boring and predictable lives. A constant rollercoster of emotional highs and lows with unexpected last minute blisful decisions.
However I’m so much more than those major symptoms.
In fact, to this day, I’m the happiest mum and most fulfilled person I’ve ever been.
And overall I’m happier than the average person.
As I was going to copy and paste this on my blog I just realized that my domain had expired on the 1st of January. So here another example on how ADHD affects my daily life. I try to do something quick and it goes into a loop of signing up here and there, recover your old password, get your wallet, do the payment, and then don’t forget to copy and paste. Sudeenly what should have taken two seconds takes an hour and you completely forget the goals of the day, the birthdays or other activites you had planned.
But the same way some days I lose all that much time… I end up with one bloody glorious focused day each month in which I compensate for all that wasted time. Sometimes we forget we are not born to be perfect. And not sure why most of us feel that pressure to be so. Ohh I know… it’s what society has conditioned us to think.
And if you are one of those people in the world who feels entitled to give me an opinion on how other people should do, act, and live my life according to how you’re living yours or how they taught you to live yours, please remember first of all that I’m not like you and that I probably never ever wanted to be like you either, not even if I could choose to. Those days I wished to be normal were short lived and over and done with.