How to fight Loneliness?

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Simple.

You need to turn that loneliness into oneness or wholeness.

Bear in mind I said “simple”; not easy.

It will require some work on your side.

What kind of work?

Or well, you may have to come up with painful conclusions and answers to the following questions.

Why do you need company so badly?? Do you really need it?

Is it because you need to feel “seen” in order to feel that you exist as a human? Most likely.

Is it because you need people to care about you in order to feel like you matter? Most likely.

The following question may sting but it’s also necessary…

What kind of void do you have inside your heart or mind that you haven’t figured out how to fill for yourself on your own yet??

I say so because if you truly felt fullfilled you would not feel lonely when you’re alone. If you are satisfied with your life so far you would actually feel quite at peace when you’re alone.

But if when you are alone you feel loneliness it’s most likely because you feel somewhat empty and/or tortured by your own demons, negative thoughts, wrong choices or regrets.

And that’s the hardest battle you have to fight in your life. You against your own mind. And that’s a battle only you can fight, nobody can do that work for you.

And you won’t be happy and satisfied until you actually learn how to deal with it. It means you haven’t yet learnt to love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made either. It means you need to identify where that void comes from and you need to find ways to complete yourself on your own.

If you are waiting for other people to love you and make you feel worth it… you’re up for a lot of disappointment and suffering in your life.

The sooner you give up trying to find your worth and love in people outside yourself the better.

That love you need, that void you have will come from learning to face your demons alone, from trying to understand where they come from and from trying to find ways to get along with them.

I have often felt more alone in relationships, surrounded by family or with friends than when I was literally “alone”.

Luckily I had music to keep me company in such moments, and luckily I’m one of those who actually learns painful lessons from other people’s experiences in the shape of books, movies or series without having to experience them myself.

This song could have quite a dark meaning, but I think it’s just talking about how when you need it the most people seem to let you down the most. How you’re left to go home alone to face your own demons. I don’t think it’s about suicide, more like killing those parts of you that need of other people’s presence, killing those demons inside of you that need appproval or validation from other people and learning to trust your own gut and your own opinion about yourself and the topic at hand.

But make no mistake, that’s life. YOU ARE ALONE, The sooner you get acquainted with that fact the better. Nobody is going to be there for you 100% of the time. Not even your family or closest friends. But once you embrace this you won’t feel so lonely, you will feel good in your own company.

Once you learn how to be alone ironically you’ll barely be left alone. That peace that emanates from you being ok on your own company is magnetic as hell.

So whenever you’re left alone in circumstances where you would rather have company, instead of feeling lonely and sad about it I’m afraid to tell you that you have to learn to become your own best friend, your own rock, your own support and learn to expect nothing from anyone in that sense. Become emotionally self-reliant. Be your own cheerleader if need be. Work on yourself. Improve your skills, try new things. Complete yourself. That way, people would be a nice addition to your life but not the source where your self esteem depends on.

Be like that bird that is not scared that a branch may break because its trust is not on the branch but on its ability to fly.

When you’re fully satisfied with who you are and what you have become thus far you stop caring about a lot of things like other people’s approval, other people’s opinions of you, etc.

There is another fear that comes with being alone… and that’s the fear of going alone to places.

When I was a late teen I was terrified to go alone to social gatherings and events, I feared people would think of me I was a weirdo who had no friends whatsoever. Perhaps because that’s how I was conditioned to think about people that go alone to places like pubs and restaurants. I wondered “why are they alone?”. Obviously my knowledge of life was very limited back then.

But it became normal to go out on my own when I moved to England at age 20 on my own and by accident (my friends couldn’t come with me and I already had booked my flight). So I was forced to see things differently. I knew I had friends and family but they just happened to be in another country, so it suddenly hit me that it was normal for me (and anyone for that matter) to be alone at a bar, restaurant or even cinema. But mostly what hit me was the freedom that I no longer cared whether people knew that. I kind of started seeing that as an asset. Being experienced as weird because I dared to be on own company sort of started make me care less about their opinion. If they judged me or rejected me because of that I would consider that person not worth my while anyway. I also realized that up until that moment I had become overly dependent on friends to join activities or do certain things I wouldn’t have dared alone before.

Since then my life changed for good and I felt as happy as it gets living on my own. I learnt to deal with my own shit on my own and I learnt to love that new acquired skill. I befriended my demons and now they’re working together with my angels to achieve the same goals.

I am constantly filling my life with new knowledge and experiences I find challenging and I love my own company a little bit too much. I became happy all by myself.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t love other people or that I never will. No. It just means that I’m ok with or without them. And that makes me as well very selective of which kind of company I surround myself with because my choices are not based on fear of being alone. If I ever find that special someone I would consider fit to spend the rest of my life with I will never break down and collapse if they choose to let me down or betray me. Because like we said, my power lays on the comfort that I feel good and at peace being on my own.

It means my happiness and peace of mind doesn’t depend on their company. My worth is not defined by their actions towards me either. What they choose to do to me is solely a reflection of who they are.

In fact, my value stays the same whether people see it or not.

So I guess I learnt a lot through not be seen and not be cherised and valued in my early days as a teenager where I spent a lot of time alone, even in company. I learnt not to NEED IT. I learnt not to DEPEND on it. I learnt not to RELY on it. And that makes me free. ;D

And if you can be happy on your own like this, beware, that makes people perceive you as dangerous.

You can’t be tamed, you can’t be threatened or manipulated to stay in unhealthy relationships. That’s obviously only dangerous for the ones who haven’t befriended their insecure demons yet.

If you’re own company doesn’t excite you then there must be something that you ought to work on. And the fact that is something that depends solely on you to fix should excite you.

If you feel lonely now just because your person is not reaching out to you or because you feel misunderstood by the people around you take this opportunity to challenge everything you think you know about yourself and to create your new more fulfilled self.

Use this time alone to learn to understand where your demons come from, learn to sympathize with their needs, befriend them so you can both work on the same team.

But don’t ever get so comfortable with someone that you let those demons go completely. You don’t want to completely ignore those demons, they’re part of who you truly are. When these people choose to go, hurt you or betray you, your demons will keep you company. And guess what? they will feel somewhat neglected if you ignored them for too long. So even in a relationship never trust fully that someone else has your back more than you do have your own back.

And trust me, people who want you in their life should get acquainted with your demons the sooner the better so they know what they’re signing up for when they’re choosing you. Because hiding those demons to release them later on once hooked by your angels is definitely not the way to go. That is destined to fail because they were never real to begin with. They were faking a persona they’re not. And the moment you see through their real selves you may not like them anymore. And also, there is the possibility you over idealize them causing yourself even more disappointment, hurt and pain that necessary.

Here another song to face loneliness after a relationship disappointment.

So always, be real from the start, don’t fear being left alone for what you think or what you believe, don’t fear not to be liked for the music you like or the things you enjoy, fear instead being liked, loved and appreciated for the mask you have created. Because the moment demons show up and they realize they are totally uncapable to deal with them…. they’ll go. So you need someone who can like, love and appreciate your demons as much as you have learnt to love them.

And I’d rather stay alone with my demons than being with someone who sees the full package and acts as if half of it didn’t exist. I’ll show you my demons first, and if you accept them and grow to like them as much as I do then maybe you’ll get to meet and hang out with the best of my angels ;D.

We can’t change the past but we can definitely change the way we see ourselves now. If we regret not having done a lot of things when we should have now it’s the time to face the present and future with that attitude we wish we had back then. Now it’s the time to invent and reinvent ourselves as much as we want to until we’re pleased and fully satisfied with ourselves and become the one we would like to be and the one we would like to be with. Because like it or not, you have to live with yourself.

So if loneliness still bothers you it’s time to rebirth within yourself.

Remind yourself that if you feel lonely or are alone now, be that because someone has just disappeared from your life or stopped appreciating your presence it’s time to become aware of why this happened.

Perhaps you gave way more than they deserved, perhaps you gave them more priority than you should have, perhaps you made of them the centre of your universe. And yes, they could have come to you with all their best intentions to be that in your life, to help you, to help you heal, but really, that job is uniquely yours. No theirs. And unless you do so for yourself you will always feel lonely without them and be at someone else’s mercy time and time again.

And this situation of killing loneliness comes to you to show you this valuable lesson that everything that you’re hoping to find outside has to be found inside you first.

And emptiness that once is full of yourself will start to overflow. And only from that moment onwards can we find healthy and balanced relationships. Only from that moment onwards you will be able to share your happiness with another person who will not feel the need to complete you or pacify your demons because you would already have them under control.

How to fill that void?

  • Reading books, watching movies/series and analyzing how those characters deal with loneliness and paying attention to those who thrive being lonely regardless.
  • Learning a new skill or indulging on a new hobby.
  • Taking notes of what you wish to find in another person that you feel you’re lacking and start finding ways to implement those traits within yourself.
  • Practicing the art of creating new healthy and helpful habits that you’ve always wanted to master.
  • Daring to step out of your comfort, go out alone if you have to, take yourself alone to dinner, go on a trip on your own, etc.
  • Alternatively, you can also do this 7 week online training course to Find Your Wild Side that guides you to precisely step out of your comfort zone to achieve this.

And yes, I know there are physical needs that are the principal reason that in occassions we end up in relationships that are bad to us (or bad to them). And yes, you can justify as much as you like that you too are two consenting adults that are just having casual sex, but in the end, there is always someone who catches feelings and just a sex relationship is not sustainable in time if one of the two has no desire whatsoever to get into a serious or committed relationship.

Sometimes we wish so much to be loved, accepted and desired that we let people who are really not meant for us to get us immersed in their worlds. Sometimes turning themselves into your world. And this is very dangerous. This is what we should not allow. Yes, it’s good to go with the flow and let your hair down occassionally, but not so much so as to lose focus of your goals and yourself. And also you should be very careful of wasting your time with temporary people that make finding the permanent one harder to come along.

And talking about this, the song below is amazing to remind yourself of this and avoid falling in temporary fixes and band aids to feel less lonely.

“Should I start again to find the same that I once left behind
and tell me why should I forget all these dreams that I still have

Another time … another turn, I thought
But now I know that’s wrong
This life will still remain the same
If I don’t change a thing myself
Suddenly so many doors are opening … for me to try”

And that’s exactly what happens when you start enjoying your own company and you find yourself again fulfilled in the process of filling your own cup. Fantastic offers and doors open for you left and right.

And yes, l am alone in my case because I choose to be so. Because I want to focus on my professional and financial goals above all, but as the song says, I have also tried many doors that once looked the same and I know where they lead to and how those choices made me feel in the long run.

I have options all the time, but I don’t feel like using people to fill a gap I’m not even sure I still have. Bcause perhaps the void I feel has actually been created by society, you know that feeling that we need another person to complete us. Perhaps what I dream to find in another person only exists in my imagination as a by product of many romantic movies and books. But these days I refuse to entertain anything less than I once dreamed to have.

Even if that dream so far has forced me to reject many people I keep my walls, my standards and my hopes high regardless. And I guess that’s a symptom in itself I don’t feel lonely, especially if I can refuse plenty of interesting men coming my way just because there is something that is not quite as I would like them to be. Perhaps a little bit too comfortable and at peace being on my own.

In fact, I booked myself a get away weekend on my own for the simple pleasure of driving listening to my favourite songs, take some pictures, explore new places and ask myself whether or not I regret limiting my options way too much by not entertaining anyone that doesn’t 100% make me be confident I want to invest time and effort into them.

And now I’m back (28/02/22) I can assure you I don’t regreat a single rejection I’ve made ever since I got divorced. Each time I witness how couples talk at each other reminds me that I would not ever want to experience that in my life ever again. If being in a relationship implies putting up with shit like that I’d much rather stay single for good. Perhaps I was just born to run, be wild and free. Hence why I can narrow my options so much these days. Perhaps I’m actually not bothered at all whether I find someone. If there is really someone as honest, wild and free as I am they’re gonna have to find me and make a true effort to impress me, because else I’m not even trying dating people anymore.

And I don’t mean to say the people who are actually already trying are not worth it or that they’re in any way below me. Not at all. This is not an ego thing. This is just a question of just being ok on my own. So much so that I can even reject people as if I were taken already. Mostly because I can recognize patterns and behaviours that I have learnt to recognize as red flags and I treat them as deal breakers from even the first hello. And that way I don’t make 20 decades, 2 years or 2 months out of a relationship that should only last 2 days.

And I wholeheartedly recommend you to do the same. I guess it’s easy to say when you’re born wild and free and don’t need to be loved by anyone to feel alive because you’re perfectly good on your own, but treat yourself with the utmost care, choose carefully who you entertain because who you allow in your life is actually sucking from your time, energy and efforts. And if they’re not actually adding value into your life or reciprocating your efforts in keeping the connection alive… then what’s their point in your life?

So when you reach at that level of wholeness within yourself that you can reject plenty of love and opportunities just because you know they’re not what you’re looking for then you have reached and awesome level of mastery over yourself. Then loneliness doesn’t bother you. What bothers you is people wasting your time or resources on false pretenses or interest. And that makes you strong, powerful and highly desirable.

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