Simple.
You need to turn that loneliness into oneness or wholeness.
Bear in mind I said “simple”; not easy.
It will require some work on your side.
What kind of work?
Or well, you may have to come up with painful conclusions and answers to the following questions.
Why do you need company so badly?? Do you really need it?
Is it because you need to feel “seen” in order to feel that you exist as a human? Is it because you need people to care about you in order to feel like you matter?
The following question may sting but it’s also necessary…
What kind of void do you have inside that you haven’t figured out how to fill for yourself yet??
I say so because if you truly felt fullfilled you would not feel lonely when you’re alone. If you are satisfied with your life so far you would actually feel quite at peace when you’re alone.
But if when you are alone you feel loneliness it’s most likely because you feel somewhat empty and/or tortured by your own demons, negative thoughts, wrong choices or regrets.
And that’s the hardest battle you have to fight in your life. You against your mind. And that’s a battle only you can fight, nobody can do that kind of work for you.
And you won’t be happy and satisfied until you actually learn how to deal with it effectively. It means you haven’t learnt yet how to love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made either. It means you need to identify where that void comes from and you need to find ways to complete yourself first.
If you are waiting for other people to love you and make you feel worth it… you’re up for a lot of disappointment and suffering in life.
The sooner you give up trying to find your worth and love in people outside yourself the better.
That love you need, that void you have will come from learning to face your demons alone, from trying to understand where they come from and from trying to find ways to get along with them.
I have often felt more alone in relationships, surrounded by family or with friends than when I was literally “alone”.
Luckily I had music to keep me company in such moments.
This song could have quite a dark meaning, but I think it’s just talking about how people leave you alone when you feel you need company the most. How sometimes you’re left to go home to face your demons alone. I don’t think it’s about suicide at all, I think it’s about killing those parts of you that need other people, killing those demons inside of you that need validation or someone else’s input to make sense of any awkward situation. Because that’s how you will learn to embrace your own opinion and take your own decisions. And that’s how you will realize how strong you are.
Because that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
But make no mistake, that’s life. YOU ARE ALONE, The sooner you get acquainted with that fact the better. Nobody is going to be there for you 100% of the time. Not even your family or closest friends. But once you embrace this you won’t feel so lonely, you will feel good because from that moment onwards you know you have your own back.
Once you learn how to be alone ironically you’ll barely be left alone. That peace that emanates from you being ok on your own company is magnetic as hell.
So whenever you’re left alone in circumstances where you would rather have company, instead of feeling lonely and sad about it I’m afraid that you have to learn to become your own best friend, your rock, your fan even, and learn to expect nothing from anyone in that sense. Become emotionally self-reliant. That way, people would be a nice addition to your life but your world will not fall apart if they go.
Be like that bird that is not scared that a branch may break because its trust is not in the branch but in its ability to fly.
There is also the fear of going alone to places.
When I was a late teen I was terrified to go alone to social gatherings and events, I feared people would think of me I was a weirdo who had no friends whatsoever.
But it became normal to go out on my own when I moved to England aged 20 and ended up alone by accident (my friends couldn’t come in the end and I had booked my flight already). So I came to the following conclusion “I know I have friends and family, they just happen to be in another country”. So it suddenly hit me that it was normal for me (and anyone in that given situation) to be alone at a bar, restaurant, or even at the cinema. But what I got out of that situation is that from that moment onwards I no longer cared whether people knew that or not. From that moment onward I realized that being alone in public places was something to be admired for. If someone then judged me or rejected me because of me being circumstantially alone then I would consider that person not worth my while anyway. And such experience also make me realize that up till that moment I had become overly dependent on friends to join activities or to do certain things I wouldn’t have dared to do alone before.
My life changed for good and I felt as happy as it gets living on my own. I learnt to deal with my own shit on my own. I befriended my demons and now they’re working together with my angels to achieve the same goals. And that peace within makes me happy.
And none of the above mean that I don’t love other people or that I never will. No. It just means that I’m ok with or without them. And that makes me as well very selective of which kind of company I surround myself with because my choices are not based on fear of being alone. If I ever find that special someone I would consider fit to spend the rest of my life with I will never break down and collapse if they choose to let me down or betray me. Because like we said, my power lays on the comfort that I feel good and at peace being on my own.
Also… your worth is not defined by their actions towards me either. Whether they see my value or not, if they choose to betray me or mistreat me is more a reflection of who they are, not of who I am.
So I guess I learnt a lot through not being seen and not being cherished and valued in my early teenage days where I spent a lot of time alone, even in company. I learnt not to NEED IT. I learnt not to DEPEND on it. I learnt not to RELY on it. And that makes me free. ;D
I can’t be tamed, I can’t be threatened or manipulated to stay in unhealthy relationships.
So use this time alone to learn to understand where your demons come from, learn to sympathize with their needs, befriend them so you can both work on the same team.
We can’t change the past that haunt us when we are alone but but we can definitely change the way we see ourselves now.
Now it’s the time to die and be born again and reinvent as many times as it takes until you feel comfortable being alone.
So if loneliness still bothers you it’s time to kill that side of you that needs company and be born again.
Also, time to assess if people leave you alone because perhaps you need to change something within yourself. Some people get into relationships hoping to get love but very few people get in because they have love to give. So before getting in touch with anyone ask yourself. What are you willing to give that person? have you thought on how you could help them?
I choose to be single on purpose now because I am really aware that at this moment in life I need all the love I have for myself and my children. For me relationships take time and effort to build and I want them to be the best they can be or not have them at all. And after being in one for over ten years and realizing some people don’t put that much effort and time into make it work flawlessy I can peacefully focus on my goals instead. If there is someone out there interested in me they would have to come full of love to give or else for me is not even worth deviating from my other goals in life. In fact, the right person won’t make you steer away from those goals.
And this situation of loneliness comes to you to show you this valuable lesson that everything that you’re hoping to find outside has to be found inside you first. Unless you have plenty of love to give yourself you can’t give it to anyone else.
And how to fill that void?
- Reading books, watching movies/series and analyzing how those characters deal with loneliness and paying attention to those who thrive being lonely regardless.
- Learning a new skill or indulging on a new hobby.
- Setting goals and achieving them.
- Taking notes of what you wish to find in another person that you feel you’re lacking and start finding ways to implement those traits within yourself.
- Practicing the art of creating new healthy and helpful habits that you’ve always wanted to master.
- Daring to step out of your comfort zone, go out alone if you have to, take yourself alone to dinner, go on a trip on your own, etc.
- Alternatively, you can also do this 7 week online training course to Find Your Wild Side that will challenge and motivate you to do all the above.
And yes, I know there are physical needs that make this of enjoying being alone particularly hard. And those are precisely the main reason why we end up in relationships that are bad for us (or bad for them). And yes, you can justify as much as you want that there is nothing wrong in having sex between consenting adults, but we all know that is quite likely that one of the two may end up catching feelings and feeling hurt. And sex alone is not going to fill that void.
And talking about this, the song below is amazing to ask yourself if what you hope to find does even exist but if you’re not confident someone has those qualities you would like to find… is it even worth settling for less?
“Should I start again to find the same that I once left behind
and tell me why should I forget all these dreams that I still have
Another time … another turn, I thought
But now I know that’s wrong
This life will still remain the same
If I don’t change a thing myself
Suddenly so many doors are opening … for me to try”
And yes, there are plenty of doors opening for me because I’m single by choice. But I have learnt my lessons and changed. In the past I have tried many doors that once looked the same and I know where they lead to and I still remember how those choices made me feel in the long run.
And I don’t feel like using people to fill a gap I’m not even sure I still have and I won’t be here to fill that void for someone else. I refuse to do that. Perhaps what I dream to find in another person only exists in my imagination and it’s only a by-product of all the social conditioning we’re exposed to in romantic movies, songs and books. But these days I refuse to entertain anything less than I once dreamed to have.
Even if that dream so far has forced me to reject many people I keep my walls, my standards, and my hopes high regardless. And I guess that’s a very good symptom in itself that I’m doing great on my own. That I don’t feel lonely enough to settle for less than what I would find worthwhile.
I even booked a get-away weekend on my own for the simple pleasure of driving listening to my favourite songs, take some pictures, explore new places and ask myself whether or not I regret having such high standards that may keep me alone for good.
And now I’m back (28/02/22) I can assure you I don’t regret rejecting anyone ever since I got divorced. Each time I witness couples talking disrespectfully to each other I congratulate myself for the choice I made to remain single for as long as it takes until I’m 100% confident that person won’t be one of those. Because if being in a relationship means putting up with shit like that then I’d much better stay single for the rest of my life.
And none of this means that the people I’ve rejected are not good enough or below me in any sense. Not at all. This has nothing to do with that. It’s simply a question of me honoring my goals so much so that unless someone comes in the right way they won’t get given a chance. And sometimes I don’t even know what they’ll have to do to demonstrate that they’re in to give and not to take.
And I wholeheartedly recommend you to do the same.