I died a thousand times.
And I continue to do so.
Each time I die a new wiser side of me emerges. Each time that new wiser self has to coexist with all the other previous versions of me that are still lingering inside. So each time it gets harder to get all my old and new selves to agree on the same topic.
So yes, perhaps I change my mind often, I guess you can say I’m a walking contradiction sometimes.
“Do I contradict myself? very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes”.
There’s a reason why that sentence is one of my favourites of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass.
I’m not one in a million, I’m one in a lifetime kind of woman with all the new selves and sides to me I have been creating and reinventing ever since I became aware of this regenerating power.
And it’s not my fault it takes most people to lose me to actually realize there is no upgrade after someone as honest, free, creative, wild yet loyal and determined as I am.
However… there is not a single side left in me that tolerates being abused, manipulated, disrespected, controlled or taken for granted in any way.
I’m usually a well intentioned person, I mean no harm and I tend to see the best in people, because we see people as we are, not as they truly are.
But if people come to me with false pretenses or bad intentions trying to take advantage of me, oh well, then those people may get to see the selves that were born to deal with people like them. And trust me… those can be as dark and twisted as they get to fool the fools who think are fooling me these days.
I have nothing to hide, but if someone doesn’t take the time to learn me before approaching me and yet think that I’d be like the average woman that can be beaten into submission or neglect, oh well, then it’s absolutely not my fault they end up fucked up on their own by underestimating my intelligence.
Never understimate your power to invent and reinvent yourself:
“invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can never categorize you.
reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
and the present
belong only to
― Charles Bukowski, The Pleasures of the Damned