How to STAY HOPEFUL in Love

Feeling like totally giving up on love? Planning on lowering your standards in love just to keep some company?

A friend of mine seemed totally hopeless the other day and she was shocked that I was actually kind of hopeful that perhaps not everybody in a relationship is simply settling and that some people might have actually found their “one” even though their one looks very different to what we think our one should be like.

I recognize a good challenge when I see one. So here I am:

Me, Laura, who has successfully avoided falling in love for some years now and totally with the purpose of staying single for longer is here to demonstrate how she can stay hopeful that she will attract “the one” effortlessly into her life.

And if I can do this so can you.

And for me this is a real challenge because I have all my life sorted out on my own so that person has to be bloody amazing in every single way in order to impress me enough to give them any time of day.

Some people say we can’t choose who we fall in love with. Can’t we really choose who we fall in love with? What if we could? should we choose?

All I know is that failing to plan is planning to fail.

And sadly, most people fail to plan.

So here I’m going to show you how I make these kind of things happen for me. And this might happen sooner rather than later, because once my mind sets up a challenge or goal I tend to get fast results, just by simply having entertained the thought of what I want in my mind.

I know this works because I once attracted and married the crush of my early 20s when I finally felt ready for it (more on that story below).

So I’m confident that the challenge I’ve set myself to achieve is doable.

And if it’s doable for me it should be doable for you too. But hopefully you won’t feel the need to narrow your options as much as I’m challenging myself to below.

STEP NUMBER ONE: WHAT DO I WANT AND WHEN.

What do you want?

Most people don’t get what they want because most people don’t know what they want. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

And then most people also have the belief that what they want is simply not possible TO ACHIEVE.

Yet IT’S THAT SIMPLE TO ACHIEVE if we keep a hopeful and optimistic approach to it though.

So I’ll be quite honest here with some of my expectations of what I’m hoping to find as “the one” for demostration purposes on how my mind works to accomplish a challenge like this. There will be a lot of things I won’t mention though, I don’t like people to figure me out all that easily. So don’t take this as the complete guide on how to charm a woman like me. Because there are a lot of attributes I expect them to display as part of their character and not as things they can fake to get impress me.

What I want may not sound much as “love” to most people, but at the moment being I just want to have fun, adventures, laughter, live in the moment and have amazing quality times when I’m off work and off children. Period.

I am not looking for a step-father to my kids (they have their own). I’m not looking for someone to share house, house chores with or the cost of living (I handle my own and at the moment I’m not ready yet to share my living space with my kids with anybody else). I don’t even want or need someone to introduce as my partner in family gatherings or social circles because I’m ok showing up on my own. I just want someone I can get away and have adventures with that really makes me feel alive when I’m with them.

Such dream man is gonna have to understand all that and have the confidence not to take any of the above personally.

Me loving my hard earned independence has nothing to do with his potential great value as a man. He could be the handsomest kindest most helpful and supportive partner ever and I may still want to have time on my own, live on my own place and have a life of my own.

“The one” could change my mind eventually, I am aware of the power of my mind these days and I don’t want to curse myself or deny myself that possibility as I’ve done so many times before in previous relationships.

But it may take that gentle soul quite some time to prove he’s “the right one” for me to put all my current independence, freedom and peace at stake ever again.

This wouldn’t be a challenge if it wasn’t difficult.

Honestly, I’m not in a rush to find “the one” so I’m making it particularly hard the right one to find me. I loooove my queendom and I’m not even sure I am ready to give it up yet, perhaps that’s why I can take on seemingly impossible challenges like these.

I call this a challenge because of the following reasons;

  • I am not on dating apps nor am I actively seeking men or looking out for men. In fact, I am avoiding men as much as possible.
  • Those who find me on facebook or real life most likely have seen I have children and probably wrongly assume that I want the opposite of what I actually want. And that scares most men away. But you know what? that has been an awesome way to filter men out all these four years! Lol. It’s as if the trash took itself out. Because them mistaking me for the average woman and what they may assume I could possibly want based on this means they wouldn’t be my type of man either. I like responsable guys who could potentially take on such a challenge even though I’m not intending at all to share parenting my children with them at all.
  • Despite my facebook bio sentence of “I may not reply unless it’s work related” I find amazing the amount of male private message attention I still get that I mostly choose to ignore. Sometimes I do engage briefly with some who ignore or defy my bio sentence and I have even met with some for coaching field research purposes. Where else do you think I get all this knowledge from :P?? Even though I seem to act random, trust me, “there is method to my madness” as my beloved Hamlet would say.
  • Some of those may think they have rejected me, well, experience is a degree and I have mastered the art of turning men off as much as I have mastered the art of turning them on. I have learnt that is way better to act and behave unattractive and desperate and let them think they’re rejecting me than me hurting their delicate egos by rejecting their advances because they’ve done something wrong. Trust me that’s the best way to live a peaceful life without them.
  • I have pretty high f***ing standards. You can read and interpret this sentence any way you want and you’d probably be right. ;P
  • I won’t settle for less than what I feel I deserve nor will I let anyone settle for me. And trust me, I can tell the difference.
  • I’m not big on patience and second chances. The moment they disappoint me in any behaviour I will consciously or unconsciously do my best to sabotage the connection. I don’t like wasting my time entertaining men who don’t even meet the most basic standards I recommend every single woman to have.

And I know, I know I might have just put a lot of men off with all the above, but none of those men would be the kind of men I want to entertain either.

“A free woman is exactly the opposite of an easy one” … as Simone de Beauvoir would say ;D.

Or like Bob Marley would also put it “if she’s amazing she won’t be easy, if she’s easy she won’t be amazing”. ;D

But since I’ve got the power to make my dreams come true….

Instead of avoiding plenty of men on social media and real life to get me sidetracked of my higher goals in life, what I would do is focus on attracting the right one that could help me achieve them faster.

When?

The deadline of the being single promise I made myself ended in December 2021. So basically any time from now till whenever it takes them to find me. Let’s see how long it takes me to attract the guy.

Being honest, I didn’t quite keep that promise, I mean, I managed to stay out of committed relationships with men and I definitely worked my hardest to remain “single” because I wanted all my focus on becoming financially independent first. Yet in order to achieve such goal I couldn’t reject money or paid work. And somehow love developed with those who invested in my work, so yes, I was hardly ever “alone” on that time. Not even in quarantine times.

But knowing I had finally reached that goal about five months ago I started opening my mind to the idea that now I could entertain a somewhat normal* love relationship.

*Somewhat normal meant for me dating men that have nothing to do with my business or financial goals. Like allowing myself the freedom to entertain people just for the sake of enjoying their company.

But I’ve changed my mind again (update 24/01/21) and unless I get “the kind of money dollars can’t buy” I’ll stick to my latest standards and only meet men for instant decent paid work like I’ve done in the past or field research, but this time I may refuse to work with those who don’t meet my standards 100% just in case it turns out they had other relationship goals in mind with me when hiring my services.

STEP NUMBER TWO: HOW AM I DOING THIS?

  • VISION BOARD. I did it around six months ago.

I pinned on my physical board visual images of how I want my future partner to look like and be like, I like this man for example. Please note; Joe is not the man of my dreams. He simply displays a bunch of public physical, character and psychological attributes I find attractive in men. I also added a specific date to it (22.02.22). We are currently on 09.03.22 and that didn’t materialize then, but who knows I might already be in contact with “the one”.

You could also create a pinterest board for this purpose so you are twice as focused on your goal. Try adding images that define the kind of experiences you want to live with your next person. That way you will be more specific and confident about what you truly want to experience and also you’ll be more likely to recognize it when it happens.

I already had that kind of relationship of luxury trips, fun and adventure depicted above and I had it very shortly after I started my divorce papers, so I know I am worth and deserving of it all and I won’t accept any less. ;D

Sadly I felt there was something missing in that connection, it was my unability to commit to have more with them because they caught me at that particular time when I knew I didn’t want to settle at all so I had to end it when another connection reminded me how I truly wanted to feel as well. And I wish I could have had all that in the same person, but it wasn’t possible.

Yes, you’ve guessed it, now I’m laser focused on finding it all on the same person. It was so near perfect… it was scary. I mean, everynow and then I still think perhaps they were “the one” and it just happenend that it wasn’t “the right moment” and any doubts about it could potentially sabotage such an amazing situationship we had created.

Visiting Paris is a goal for Spring-Summer-Autumn 2022, so I’ve just added those photos lately into the board. Although I may even go on my own and end up reaching that sudden conclusion once I’m there.

  • LOOK AT THAT BOARD ONCE DAILY AND FEEL IT.

I often forget to look at it, but I already know the visuales on it and I know what it’s like to have that kind of relationship so I only have to close my eyes and feel how it feels like to have such a person like “the one” in my life whilst I’m listening to the specific songs mentioned below.

You can also get writing and scripting the scenes you want to experience with that person you like or the future relationship you want to have with them. The more specific the details of the end result of having them the better.

  • FIND MUSIC THAT CHALLENGES YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS.

My limiting belief when it comes to love and relationships for example is that love involves sacrifices and a lot of compromising on my part that I’m not willing to make at the moment.

The belief I have doesn’t have to be true, that’s why it’s called a limiting belief. It’s just a belief that has been limiting my willingness to share my living space with two different individuals during the last four years or more. It might as well be an excuse because I’m not ready to do so.

Just to be clear on this, faithfulness, loyalty and exclusiveness are not sacrifices for me at all. But my freedom, peace of mind and time I’m willing to spend on a relationship at the moment are simply not negotiable.

I want to be able to socialize and do business with whoever I please, whenever and however I see fit without being made feel guilty for hurting my partner’s feelings or stirring their insecure jealous demons.

I won’t stop doing me to please someone else’s insecurities. They should know I am not the “cheating” kind because I’m not afraid of being alone at all. So if I’m with anyone is because I truly appreciat them and I’m not entertaining anybody else on that romantic sense. I’m the honest kind that can’t even entertain the idea of being with someone I’m not sure I’m feeling like I should in order to justify wasting my time or their time on them. Because if I feel I can’t love them like I know I’m capable of loving someone then I feel I’m wasting their time from finding someone who will love them better than I can.

But here I am, actually being hopeful that the next person that fate or destiny will put in my way will embody all those qualities and personality traits I find most admirable and compatible and with whom I’ll experience a chemistry that is out of bounds so we can have the hottest most amazing relationship ever.

The word forever and growing old scares the hell out of me too. I’m living in THIS PRESENT MOMENT and I want to do things HERE and NOW. Right now I may like you but that may stop tomorrow if you show me a disrespectful, controlling, manipulative or ugly side I have never been exposed to before. My admiration for you may drop the moment I realize their actions don’t live up to their words, if their effort drops or if they show me you’re racist or something of that nature I hadn’t contemplated.

And that’s why it’s so important to be very mindful and specific about all the traits you want your next person to have. So I just can’t guarantee I will love you past tomorrow unless you’re very consistent in your core values, your belief system and you behave with integrity consistently and coherently.

To change my beliefs in this sense I have been adding music to a playlist that helps me remember that is possible to find the kind of love I want. But perhaps the other person needs to be as free and wild as I am for it to work, but if we are both committed to master the art of keeping each of our encounters fun, exciting, fiery, interesting, loving and respectful then I’ll be definitely open to entertain a lifetime with them yet living for tonight…one day at a time.

And I’m definitely not planning on getting married ever again, unless he’s so so so so so dreamy that with consistency over the years he actually changes that limiting belief I have that getting married or living together is the easiest and fastest way to get taken for granted. I have yet to find a song that challenges such limiting belief.

But this song below gives me hope that perhaps all that is possible to find in the same individual.

And as pointed out in the song love would obviously find me when I’m not even looking for it. Is not like I’m searching.

And I know you’re probably thinking I’m overcomplicating life letting “fate” or “destiny” do its work and rejecting most men attentions just because it hasn’t happened by fate, but it’s ok for me. I’m not in a hurry. I’ve given a couple of chances to those who worked extra hard to get me to date them, but so far so good I just want to meet them as potential friends.

But like I said I have my hopes high that if there is that perfect person there for me he will find me somehow; be that a dentist appointment, at a local coffee shop, picking up kids from school, hiring my services, etc.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST…..

STEP 3: BE VERY SPECIFIC

Why so specific?

Well, I already married the only man I once saw at age 21 and said to my friend: “You know I don’t ever want to get married nor have kids but with someone who looks like him I wouldn’t mind waking up next to every morning. He looks like the perfect husband and perfect dad, doesn’t he? But definitely not now, I’m too young and I want to enjoy being single for a looong while”.

Can you see where I went wrong?

In case you missed it is in the: “He LOOKS …. and LOOKS LIKE” which is obviously not the same as BEING. Big difference there.

Had I known back then I had that power to get what I wanted just by uttering a sentence like that I would have chosen someone more based more on compatible psychological traits and not just based on looks.

So be very mindful of your thoughts, dreams and desires and how you spell them out loud. Because you might as well get them.

So when it comes to you attracting your specific person…

Wish also for them to be always mentally and physically healthy, confident, well gifted, well groomed, etc. Just leave no room for imagination, I mean it, please. If anything only leave room for them to surprise you positively in all the ways they will continue to amaze you on a daily basis. Picture the short and the long term with that future person. All the good you want to entertain and only the bad you could potentially tolerate.

And since we’re dreaming here, hopefully there is nothing too wrong you have to tolerate. You should not tolerate disrespect, narrow mindedness, posessiveness, jealousy, neglect, manipulatiton or any humillitiating behaviour of any kind.

Above all picture your future relationship with someone who will respect your opinion and your boundaries any given time without making a big fuss about it.

And all along, remember, if it hurts it’s because it’s not love. What makes most people suffer about “love” is not love itself but the actual absence of it.

They won’t be perfect, they can’t. Nobody is. But the higher you aim the closer you’ll get to get exactly what you want and the less disappointed you may feel.

After all they they have to be perfect for you with their imperfections. So choose imperfections you can easily deal with or that could complement your flaws in your relationship. E.g. If you’re not very punctual and they are it can be very beneficial to you both to show on time.

STEP 4: STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR GOAL.

Not even two months after I started listening to this playlist someone unavoidable came to my life. For a moment I thought he could be it. He met a lot of my requirement list and even had some other qualities I hadn’t dream about yet.

So I kept asking myself: WAS THIS MEANT TO BE?? Is love meant to be something you just can’t miss even if you wanted to avoid it for yet a couple of months still?

And even to this day I still can’t guarantee if it was just me feeling it or both of us. But then he started closing the physical gap between us putting their hand respectfully here or there, invading my personal space in all sort sweet ways and even daring to kiss me all cute on my temple before pulling me towards him to hug me.

Which I loved at that time, I had literally hoped for something like that to happen with him. Honestly, I think it’s one of the sweetest things I have experienced in my life. It honestly felt like WOW, another song I had on that playlist.

But, and here is the big BUT….

DON’T BE FOOLED OR SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE.

Unfortunatley there were some red flags I just couldn’t ignore despite the great amount of feelings this person had awaken in me. So I did an Olivia O’Brien and tried my best to sabotage the connection after I noticed their actions and words didn’t quite match. And eventually finally managed to sabotage the connection (updated 30/01/21).

Being fearless in the pursuit of your dreams often implies cutting people off or scaring the wrong energy suckers away when they show you they’re not a fit for what you truly want. I’m afraid I’m a little bit bossy and I need to see they are honest in their approach and intentions towards me and if they want to lay hands on me at their will they are gonna have to work to get that privilege.

But the fact that I’ve met someone that had a lot of common interests, life views on love and everything for whom my body reacted in ways I hadn’t experienced in a while gave me some kind of HOPE in itself. I mean, I was completely off to the idea of falling in love yet and he challenged that firm belief. He even made me question if my standards were being too strict for love ever to come into my life again. Like… am I perhaps too tough on myself?

But either way, even if we think that perhaps lowering my interest reciprocity and consistency expectations at the beginning of a romantic connection could significantly help in them having more time to actually get to know me and develope deeper feelings for me that may trigger consistency and coherence I’m still unsure I have the time to entertain such life projects. Yes, I accidentally became an expert at making emotionally unavailable men availabe for me somehow. Perhaps it’s because I was the challenge they were looking for at that point in life. But this time around I am very confident that if a man doesn’t pursue me with all his might from the get go I simply won’t want him. I don’t like half assed efforts anymore.

But sabotaging this and refusing to settle for less means the next person I attract or fate puts in my way will be even more accurate to what I want to find. So I let that one go and focus on all the attributes I do want them to display. Because practice at this makes “perfect”. And I feel I’m so damn close I refuse to give up on this challenge.

I know, by now you probably think I’m cursing myself (and anyone that dares follow this strategy) to stay single for good. And well, YES, to certain extent that’s the goal; to stay single until someone is so bloody amazing it justifies you losing your current peace and your current ability of doing plans without having to consider how they will feel about it.

Letting these near opportunities go to waste is honestly the best thing you can do. Let them go. If they come back harder then it’s up to you whether to give them a second chance or not. But to be honest, I think it’s best if they didn’t have to lose you first to become aware of your value and presence in your life.

So if you’re in a similar situation take this opportunity to learn how to communicate your value in a confident manner so next person won’t look past through it, how to set up boundaries and standards in a fun yet effective way that will make them think you’re the best person they’ve ever met in their life thus far. And if they don’t come back, worry not, all this practice will do you good for the next one that comes along as well as in other interpersonal relationships.

Just focus on the joys of being single.

And if you feel lonely when being single it’s definitely a warning sign that you have a lot of work to do on your healing process. So do not neglect this chance to work on yourself.

In the meantime I’ll just be loving me instead. Yes, ignoring, avoiding and refusing any men whose attentions and interest in me are below my standards.

By the way, never confuse the inability of a person to see your value with your actual value. They can be blind or they might be after a complete type of person and that’s ok. Let them go. Don’t bend over backwards to please them or to show them your value. If they can’t see it… you ought to remove yourself of the equation and only entertain those who do.

However, I have updated my playlist to match what I truly want just in case it’s true I have absolute control of my reality and I myself made a mistake adding songs that imply that person is not already mine.

I gave up on that specific person completely (30/01/21) so I will focus on creating just a general “the one” playlist now.

SONGS THAT MAY HELP YOU GET “THE ONE

When focusing on creating a playlist to get the right one try to focus mostly on the songs that reflect the end result you really want. You want to have the feeling you already have that person in your life. So you don’t want songs of women obsessing over men or the other way around, you want songs of people who are already dating or experiencing the love of their lives.

This one worked wonders in the past. Play that song whilst you imagine being with them already and see the magic you want happen in a couple of months.

But Laura, how can you stay hopeful if they’re not reaching out or showing up at the moment??

Remember… it’s a DREAM. They’ll be yours in your dream.

So you will need uplifting songs like this one with a concrete date in mind for that to happen and sort of “let go” of it. And that’s the only thing I may do.

In fact, I have the gut feeling I may get that person back in my life somehow just because I have already thought he was mine already. Ironically enough, such person keeps showing in my real dreams when I sleep as if we just started dating.

And now perhaps the fact that I have disappeared from his life may spark his interest and he may now continuosly ask himself “what the hell happened with that woman that seemed interested in me? was it fake? did I mistake her for average and I’ve lost a great woman for good?”. Sometimes that feeling may make a person reconsider his decisions and actions.

The song below is another great tune to think they’re actually thinking things through and gathering momentum to come your way the right way.

And this other song reminds us that it may take some people 700 hundred times to think of you to actually realize your abscence is actually hurting them until they decide to actually take action and do something to secure you in their lives.

And you know what’s happening?

He’s not showing up and I’ve sort of given up on listening to songs to stay hopeful about it. In fact, I sabotaged the connection even further, like to the point of no return (28.01.22). Yet I have three or four high value men orbiting me since then. They share same attributes I hope to find in men these days. But I will let fate or destiny decide who will I bump into next. I won’t plan dates anymore and I may only accept super exciting dates or none at all. I don’t like to entertain anything average or low investment these days.

Any questions? drop them on the comment section below.

If you want to get the full playlist I have arranged for me to get results this fast since I ever started listening to it and started the challenge, please subscribe to my blog and you’ll have access to that playlist and plenty more to get you feeling as empowered as you need to nail it every day feeling high, wild and free.

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