Feeling like totally giving up on love? Planning on lowering your standards in love just to keep some company?
A friend of mine seemed totally hopeless the other day and she was shocked that I was actually kind of hopeful that perhaps not everybody in a relationship is simply settling and that some people might have actually found their “one” even though their one looks very different to what we thing our one should be like.
I recognize a good challenge when I see one. So here I am:
Me, Laura, who has actively avoiding falling in love for about quite some years now is about to demonstrate for you how can I stay hopeful and effortlessly attract “the one” with the challenges below. ;D
Some people say we can’t choose who we fall in love with. Can’t we choose? What if we could? should we choose?
All I know is that failing to plan is planning to fail.
And sadly, most people fail to plan.
So here I’m going to show you how I will effortlessly make this a reality for me sooner rather than later. Mostly because I tend to get what I want when I feel it’s about time I should start focusing on it.
I once married the crush of my early 20s when I wanted so I’m confident now that sort of thing is doable for me. But if it’s doable for me it should be doable for you too. I just wish I had been more specific then!!
STEP NUMBER ONE: WHAT DO I WANT AND WHEN.
What do you want?
Most people don’t get what they want because most people don’t know what they want. IT’S THAT SIMPLE. And then most people also have the belief that what they want is simply not possible TO ACHIEVE.
Yet IT IS THAT SIMPLE TO ACHIEVE if we keep a hopeful and optimistic approach to it though.
So I’ll be quite honest here for demostration purposes on how I attract this thing into my life so you can see how my mind works and how this thing comes to fruition. I don’t like people being able to figure me out all that easily so there will be a lot I won’t say either. 😉
What I want may not sound too much as love in the traditional sense, but honestly, in my case I mostly just want to have fun, adventures, laugh, live in the moment and have amazing quality times when I’m off work and off children. Period.
It’s been years after I got divorced and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to share my queendom with anyone ever again.
I am not looking for a step-father to my kids, they have their dad. I’m not looking for someone to share house chores with or the cost of living, I handle my own. I don’t even want someone to introduce as my partner in family gatherings or social circles, I’m ok showing up on my own and I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I just want someone I can get away on adventures with that makes me feel butterflies or the whole damn zoo.
Such dream man is gonna have to understand all that and have the confidence not to take any of that personally.
Me loving my hard earned independence has nothing to do with his great value as a man. He could be the handsomest kindest most helpful and supportive partner ever and I may still want to have my own place and my own life. Maybe “the one” could change my mind eventually. But that would have to be earned over a looong period of time.
I call this a challenge;
- I am not on dating apps nor am I actively seeking men or looking out for men. I even have avoided social activities for months so I don’t get in contact with any new men accidentally. Why? oh usually the last ones I’ve been in contact with wanted way more than friendship or more than just working together. So avoiding them all I am now.
- Those who find me on facebook or real life most likely see me with kids and wrongly assume I want the opposite of what I actually want. And you know what? that has been an awesome way to filter men out all these four years!! Lol. It’s as if the trash took itself out. I don’t like people who mistake me for average because that’s their first mistake in itself. ;D
- Despite my facebook bio sentence of “I may not reply unless it’s work related” I find it amazing the amount of male private message attention I still get that I mostly choose to ignore. Sometimes I do engage briefly with some who ignore or defy my bio sentence and I have even met with some for coaching field research purposes. Where do you think I get all these knowledge from :P?? Even though I seem to act random, trust me, “there is method to my madness” as my beloved Hamlet would say.
- Some of those may think they have rejected me but experience is a degree and I have mastered the art of turning men off as much as I have mastered the art of turning them on. And through experience I have learnt that is way better to act and behave unattractive and desperate and let them think they’re rejecting me than me hurting their delicate egos by rejecting their advances because they’re doing something wrong.
- I have pretty high fucking standards. You can read and interpret this sentence any way you want and you’d probably be right. ;P
- I won’t settle for less than what I feel I deserve nor will I let anyone settle for me. And trust me, I can tell the difference.
- I’m no big on patience and second chances. The moment they disappoint me in any behaviour, I don’t like how they act or I notice they’re just wasting my time I will be doing my best to sabotage the connection. Consciously or unconsciously. Some men I even cut off without warning.
But since I’ve got the power to make my dreams come true….
I thought… what about if instead of avoiding all men who are interested in me and I just dedicate some time to actually focus and attract “the one” to have all that I want with?
The deadline of the being single promise I made myself ended in December 2021.
Promise I didn’t quite keep, I mean, I tried my best to stay out of committed relationships with men and did my hardest to remain “single” because I wanted all my focus on becoming emotionally and financially independent. And I couldn’t reject money or paid work. But yes, I was hardly ever “alone” on the few rare spare times I had left off work and off kids.
And I started opening my mind to the idea of entertaining a somewhat normal* love relationship around 5 months ago.
*Somewhat normal means for me dating men that have nothing to do with my business or financial goals. Like allowing myself the freedom to entertain people just for the sake of enjoying their company.
But I’m changing my mind again (update 24/01/21). Unless I get “the kind of money dollars can’t buy” I’ll stick to my latest standards and only meet men for instant decent paid work like I’ve done in the past, but this time I will refuse those who don’t 100% meet my standards either.
SO HOW AM I DOING THIS?
- VISION BOARD. I did it around six months ago.
I pinned on my board visual images of how I want my future partner to look like and be like, I like this man for example. Please note; he is not the man of my dreams. He simply displays a bunch of public physical, character and psychological attributes I find attractive. I also added a specific date to it.
You could also create a pinterest board so you are twice as focused on your goal and actively working on improving the kind of relationship and person you want. Perfectioning your vision. Try at least 5-10 mins a day.
I already have had that kind of relationship of luxury trips, fun and adventure below so I know I am worth and deserving of it and I won’t take any less. ;D
And guess what? I did this board ages ago and I have experienced most of those poses and experiences. Even guys lifting me up in the air, pushing me against the wall or kissing my forehead. What you visualize can come to life. And now I’m just focusing on finding it all on the same person. ;D
But yes, visiting Paris is a goal for Spring-Summer- Autumn 2022, so I’m adding those photos but I may go on my own and end up reaching this sudden realization.
- LOOK AT THAT BOARD ONCE DAILY AND FEEL IT.
I often forget to look at it, but I already know it by heart and I also know what it’s like to have that kind of relationship so I only have to close my eyes and feel how it feels like to have such a person like “the one” in my life whilst I’m listening to those specific songs I talk about below.
You can also script the scenes you want to experience with that person you like or the future you want to have with them.
- FIND MUSIC THAT CHALLENGES YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS.
My limiting belief when it comes to love and relationships for example is that love involves sacrifices and a lot of compromising that I’m not willing to make.
The belief I have doesn’t have to be true, that’s why it’s called a limiting belief. It’s just a belief that has been limiting my willingness to entertain any kind of love relationship for the last four years or more.
Faithfulness, loyalty and exclusiveness are not sacrifices for me at all. But my freedom and peace of mind are simply not negotiable.
I want to be able to socialize and do business with whoever I please, whenever and however I see fit without feeling guilty about hurting my partner’s feelings or stirring their jealousy demons. I won’t stop doing me to please someone else’s insecurities. They should know I am not the “cheating” kind because I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m only afraid of wasting my time with the wrong person. I hate wasting time and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, so when I no longer feel what I feel I should feel for someone I just break up.
But here I am, actually being hopeful that the next person that destiny will put in my way will embody all those qualities and personality traits I find most admirable and that we manage to have a chemistry that is out of bounds so we can have the hottest most amazing relationship ever.
The word forever and growing old scares the hell out of me too. I’m living in THIS PRESENT MOMENT and I want to do things HERE and NOW. Right now I may like you but that may stop tomorrow if you show me a disrespectful or very manipulative or ugly side I have never seen before, or if you show me you’re racist, or something of that nature I hadn’t contemplated before, and that’s why it’s so important to be very mindful and specific about all the traits you want your next person to have. So I just can’t guarantee I will love you past tomorrow unless you’re very consistent in your core values and overall behaviour.
To change my beliefs in this sense I have been adding music to a playlist that helps me remember that is possible to find the kind of love I want. That perhaps the other person needs to be as free and wild as I am for it to work, but that with such a person if we are both committed to master the art of keeping each of our encounters fun, exciting, fiery, interesting, loving and respectful then I’ll be definitely open to entertain a lifetime with them, but taking it one day at a time. Like… let’s live for tonight… everyday we can spend together, which won’t be more than once or twice a week or holidays I get off children every now and then. So better make the most of each opportunity. Now we are here, tomorrow we might not be here anymore.
And definitely not planning on getting married ever again, unless he’s so so so so so dreamy that with consistency over years actually changes that limiting belief I have that getting married or living together is the easiest way to get taken for granted.
This song would justify all the times I have broken up other relationships because I either lost the magic feeling with them, felt trapped, felt taken for granted or disrespected.
And love would obviously find me when I’m not looking for it because it’s bound to happen when you least expect it and being all busy working on your dreams.
And I know you’re probably thinking I’m overcomplicating life letting “fate” or “destiny” do its work and rejecting men just because it hasn’t happened by fate and bumped into each other like three times randomly. But honestly, I’m not in a rush and that perfect person will find me somehow, be that a dentist appointment, picking up kids from school, etc.
That means… unless the connection is like “destined to be” I may not even go on dates with anyone who asks me out. I don’t want to waste energy and focus on things deep down I know are not how I pictured them in my mind to be.
And now I finally accomplished my major life goals I can sit and relax and perhaps get ready to entertain that saviour. Such saviour doesn’t need to rescue me from loneliness or anything at all. But they could save me from that horrible feeling that time is quickly slipping through my hands and I have adventures and experiences I have yet to enjoy living while I’m still very young and able. I just don’t like wasting time. So the sooner we can enjoy that the better.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST…..
BE VERY SPECIFIC
Why so specific?
Well, I already married the only man I once saw at age 21 and said to my friend: “You know, I don’t ever want to get married nor have kids but with someone who looks like him I wouldn’t mind waking up next to every morning. He looks like the perfect husband and perfect dad, doesn’t he? But definitely not now, I’m too young and I want to enjoy being single for a looong while”.
Can you see where I went wrong?
In case you missed it is in the: “He LOOKS …. and LOOKS LIKE” which is obviously not the same as BEING. Big difference there.
I mean, had I known back then I had that power I would have chosen someone based more on compatible psychological traits, not just looks.
And if I were you, I would do the same for absolutely everything else in life.
Every single day.
Be very mindful of your thoughts, dreams and desires and how you spell them out loud. Because you might as well get them.
So when it comes to you attracting your specific person…
Wish also for them to be always mentally and physically healthy, confident, well gifted, well groomed, etc. Just leave no room for imagination, I mean it, please. If anything only leave room to all the pleasant ways in which they will amaze you daily. Picture the short and the long term with that future person. All the good you want to entertain and only the bad you could potentially tolerate.
And since we’re dreaming here hopefully that’s NONE because you should not tolerate disrespect, you should not tolerate posessiveness, you should not tolerate jealousy, neglect, manipulatiton or any humillitiating behaviour of any kind. Above all picture your future relationship with someone who will respect your opinion and your boundaries.
And all along, remember, if it hurts it’s because it’s not love. If it hurts you’ll be most likely suffering cognitive dissonance. Their words say one thing but your mind is aware that their actions show the opposite.
What makes most people suffer about “love” is not love but the actual absence of it.
They won’t be perfect, they can’t. Nobody is. But the higher you aim the closer you’ll get to get exactly what you want and the less disappointed you may feel.
After all they they have to be perfect for you with their imperfections. So choose imperfections you can easily deal with or that could complement your flaws in your relationship. E.g. If you’re not very punctual and they are, then panicking that you’d both be late could be a great addition in your life to make it always on time from now on.
ADDITIONAL ADVICE – STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR GOAL.
And like I say, doing the above is so powerful that a saviour actually showed up in less than tree months after listening to that playlist. And yes. I wasn’t fully ready for it because in August I had decided to just focus on my latest goal.
Yes, someone unavoidable came to my life by accident. And OMG… the moment we first met and locked eyes that totally made me think… ” OMG, I could stare into his eyes forever” and that was actually a first…. you know?.
So I keep asking myself: WAS THIS MEANT TO BE?? Is love meant to be something you just can’t miss even if you wanted to avoid it for yet a couple of months still?
Dua describes the feeling all too well.
And even to this day I still can’t guarantee if it was just me feeling it or both of us. But then he started closing the physical gap between us putting their hand respectfully here or there, invading my personal space in all sort sweet ways and even daring to kiss me all cutely on my temple before pulling me towards him to hug me. And I swear I couldn’t believe it and I nearly melt right there with overwhelming emotions. Forget butterflies. I literally felt the whole damn zoo each time we were close to each other.
Which I loved at that time, it was like that dream came true (I had this song on my playlist too). Honestly, I think it’s of the sweetest things I have experienced in my life. It honestly felt like WOW and it’s got me feeling a bit untouched ever since (songs I actually had on that playlist of how I wanted that love to feel like, like I said above. Leave no room to imagination :D). But …
Here is the big BUT….
DON’T BE FOOLED OR SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE.
Unfortunatley there were some red flags I just couldn’t ignore despite the great amount of feelings this person had awaken in me. So I did an Olivia O’Brien and tried my best to sabotage the connection because I don’t like being surrounded by people who don’t seem to fully see or appreciate my value.
Being fearless in the pursuit of your dreams implies sometimes cutting people off that are already showing you they’re not a fit for what you truly want or not a fit yet for what you want. I guess whatever happened, we did it on purpose. Not sure if he’s scared, but I’m definitely scared of liking and wanting someone who won’t show any kind of devotion and interest than I’m used to thus far. I like reciprocal admiration or nothing at all.
Despite of all my efforts to cut him off and all my high standards and excuses not to let anyone in I must admit he managed to tear a massive hole in one of my walls and it’s sort of impossible not to feel his halo when he’s around. But I still have most of the wall up and if he ever wants to get in, I’m afraid he has to work a lot harder than that to actually get to access my body whenever he feels so inclined nevermind how amazing that felt. I’m afraid I’m a little bit bossy and I need to see things happening my way.
These days I take no less than what I feel I deserve and if he were all that into me he wouldn’t have given up all that easily and he wouldn’t allow me the possibility of moving on. But the fact that I’ve met someone that had a lot of interests, philosophy and also had chemistry with… does exist. So the next person will be even more accurate to what I want. So I let that one go and focus on creating the proper one. After all perhaps he was just the first attempt and we all know practice makes “perfect”.
I know, by now you probably think I’m cursing myself (and anyone that dares follow my advice) to stay single for good, but NO. This is honestly the best thing you can do. You let them go. If they come back harder keep rejecting them until they come the way you want them to show up for you, as that would be a reflection that they finally saw your value and are willing to do whatever to be with you. But to be honest, it might be better if they come hard and they see your value from the get go.
And take this opportunity to learn how to communicate your value, boundaries and standards in magical ways that will make him see why you’re the best they’ve ever seen. And if they don’t come back, worry not, it will be useful to do so for the next Mr Right you create.
But honestly, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and the joys of being single whilst you can, because if you get it right… you won’t be single for long. I am perhaps not sure I want the cuffs yet. So perhaps I will be sabotaging a few until everything feels right from the get go.
in the meantime I’ll just be loving me fiercely instead and ignoring any men whose attentions and interest in me are below my standards.
Never confuse the inability of a person to see your value with your actual value. They can be blind or they might be after a complete type of person and that’s ok. Let them go. Don’t try to please them in anyway. You are you and you need someone who is going to come and appreciate you for who you are.
However, I have updated my playlist to match what I truly want just in case it’s true I have absolute control of my reality by controling my thoughts, so I’ll try again doing some changes on my playlist.
24/01/21 Gave up on that person completely, I will focus on creating just a general “the one”. It can come in any shape or form that adapts to the ones I have written about. ;D
SONGS THAT MAY HELP YOU GET “THE ONE
When focusing on creating a playlist to get the right one try to focus mostly on the songs that reflect the end result you really want. You want to have the feeling you already have that person in your life.
But Laura, how can you stay hopeful if they’re not reaching out or showing up at the moment??
Remember… it’s a DREAM. They’re yours in your dream, or so they should be.
What you need to listen to instead are uplifting songs like this one with a concrete date in mind for that to happen and sort of “let go” of it. And that’s the only thing I may do. I may still get that person because I have pictured him in my mind so often and my mind is so powerful that is bound to happen. But mosly because I just realized I’m not sure I like them anymore and probably the moment I withdraw all my attention and energy off of him he’s going to wonder what the hell happened. But honestly not sure if I would ever like them again, I feel like I have seen them for who they truly are and not sure that’s the kind of person I would like by my side. But their attributes and downfalls help me perfect my list of attributes I wish to find in “the one”.
The song below is another great tune to think they’re actually thinking things through and gathering momentum to come your way the right way.
And this other song reminds us that it may take some people 700 hundred times to think of you to actually realize your abscence is actually hurting them until they decide to actually do something to secure you in their lives.
And you know what’s happening?
He’s not showing up like I want him to but someone I always found interesting and sort of wished he noticed and pursued me in the past it’s actually doing so right now and as long as he pursues me meeting my standards I may give him give a chance. And somehow… he’s got almost the same qualities that I liked in the other guy and even a couple more. I mean… this fucking works. (Update 12/01/21) ;D
Any questions? drop them on the comment section below.
If you want to get the full playlist I have arranged for me to get results this fast since I ever started listening to it and started the challenge, please subscribe to my blog and you’ll have access to that one and plenty more to get you feeling as empowered as you need to nail it every day feeling high, wild and free.
Now… 23/01/21 uhm… had the chance but I guess I sabotaged it. I guess something deep inside tells me I’d be betraying myself if I pursue something with the other person. So I guess I better focus on the one I originally had in mind, I don’t like to give up on my dreams that easily.
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