Español aquí

Feeling like totally giving up on love? Planning on lowering your standards in love just to keep some company?

A friend of mine seemed totally hopeless the other day and she was shocked that I was actually kind of hopeful that perhaps not everybody in a relationship was simply settling, and perhaps some people might have actually found their “one”. Even though to us their “one” looks very different to what we think our “one” should be like.

STEP ONE: AWARENESS

I recognize a good challenge when I see one. So here I am ready to challenge myself on this:

Some people say we can’t choose who we fall in love with. Can’t we really choose who we fall in love with?

What if we could avoid falling in love with all the wrong people though?

Or…

What if instead of avoiding all relationships in general (like I’ve been doing for the last three or four years) one starts focusing ONLY on creating meaningful connections and a life environment where only people that match the circumstances in which their one could find them… finds them. So then you know they might be the one.

Would that not make life easier? Well, that’s exactly what I thought. Reduce your options as much as you can and see what life throws at you. It’s kind of completely counter intuitive to what we’ve been told it works to find a partner. But if you’re not in a rush and have plenty to do with your life… trust me it’s 100% worth it and the amount of time you save on dating and texting… it’s INCREDIBLE. All the more time to focus on your personal growth so you complete yourself ENTIRELY on your own until they come.

All I know is that failing to plan is planning to fail.

And sadly, most people fail to plan.

So let’s plan ahead.

Choosing a partner because you feel a void it’s not the right way to find them. To me that feels too close to settling.

And yes, you can meet absolutely fantastic people on dating apps. Dating apps is not the problem. It’s usually in how people use them these days and the parameters they use for dating people on the app. That’s all.

You can go on dating apps and find someone wonderful even when all you wanted was to hang out one night and choose who with instead of hanging out on your own and let the most courageous drunk person nearby decide to approach you. That’s why I once joined one after I got divorced. I was looking for people to go clubbing with because all my female friends were married, taken, lived far away or had other plans.

So yes, talking about planning. Plan ahead. Where could the one you could feel interested in finding be? will they be at a dating app? at a business conference? at a concert of your favourite musicians? at the gym? at a sports event?

STEP TWO: WHAT AND WHEN?

Most people don’t get what they want because most people don’t know what they want. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

And then most people also have the belief that what they want is simply not possible TO ACHIEVE.

And yet, IT’S THAT SIMPLE TO ACHIEVE if we keep a hopeful and optimistic approach to it though.

So have a think… What do you want? what are you looking for?

So I’ll be quite honest here with some of my expectations of what I’m hoping to find in the one just to illustrate the process on how to attract what I want. So when I get it you know exactly how I did it and how it works.

What I want may not sound much like “love” to most people, but that’s the only kind of love I can entertain at the moment due to a particular situation I’m in.

So far so good I only want to have fun and plenty of laughter with an exclusive partner, weekend adventures and spontaneous live in the moment enjoyable experiences when I’m off work and off children, and I would most likely keep it a secret, because what people don’t know people can’t ruin. And yes, that means that I could already be having the hottest love affair ever and you would be the last person to know. 🙂

Let’s say at the moment I just don’t have the will or the full capacity of entertaining a traditional committed relationship as most understand them to be. In fact, these days I don’t even allow men to enter my life unless they have a definite clear business related purpose in it.

Since I am well aware of the power of my mind and the words I write… you’ll soon see why. I rather not curse myself with this as I have cursed myself before with limiting beliefs of this kind, so let’s just say that at the moment being I have no time for real committed relationship and ONLY the one might change my mind about this in due time.

Now, that’s a good summary of the kind of relationship I’d be willing to entertain if someone amazing came along who understood that I already have too many things I am responsible for and that I don’t need need to add anything extra to worry or stress about.

I take care of my own issues and I really don’t need a shoulder to cry on. Is not like I won’t care about that person or their emotional needs at all, but I just won’t be willing to entertain any relationship issues ( insecurity induced jealousy, arguments, unsolicited negative criticism, etc) or engage in any wife or girlfriend expectations of me, especially if they’re not meeting my boyfriend standards.

I also have a list of very specific physical, psychological, emotional and personality traits that I would like that person to have, well as certain activities and rituals I would want to perform with them when I’m in a relationship with that special someone.

You don’t need to know about those in particular, I’m just letting you know that all those relationship ideals and personality traits that you would like that person to have should also be taken into consideration when defining WHAT kind of relationship you want. ;).

So please. Do yourself a favour, and stop being a victim of whatever comes your way and become truly intentional about WHO and WHAT you’ll entertain in your life and WHY.

Also I recommend you to write down exactly what you would like to find short and long term. This helps you get a better picture of all the characteristics they need to embody.

I already did this of attracting the only person I ONCE imagined myself being married to in the past without lifting a finger.

And these days it would also be the same but this time I have to put way more thought than when I first did it. As back then I had no clue I could actually get it.

In my case I’m quite confident that the one will find me somehow. If the one exists for me… that’s it. Why does it have to find me? easy, love is not a priority for me at the moment. So I’ll be 100% focused on work. Paid in advance work ONLY these days. So it’s rare to see me out and about these days.

You can of course make this challenge easier for you by dating anyone that asks you out, by being available on dating apps and give anyone a try or your telephone number.

But in my case….

It wouldn’t be a challenge if it were easy. So:

• I am not on dating apps nor am I actively seeking men. In fact, I’ve been avoiding all male attention as if I was already taken. Because, in a way, I am. I am committed to my financial freedom goals. So let’s say I’m single but not really available on the market. Those who find me by accident can consider themselves extremely lucky. But they don’t, because they don’t know about how extremely unlikely it’s to bump into me these days, and I make the most that they don’t to use it as a yet another selection process test.

• Those who find me on Facebook or bump into me in real life most likely have seen or been told by me shortly into the conversation that I have two children. I do so on purpose to put the average man off of me. I am aware that being a single mother puts average men off of me. Mostly because a wide majority of men wrongly assume that just because I have children it might be expected of them to take care of my children and I don’t need a future step-father to my kids (they have their father) and I’m definitely not ready to share the lovely time I have alone at home with my magical children unless it’s for paid work in the shape of linguistic immersions, otherwise if it can be avoided, I will avoid it. They won’t even see much of my children. I’m not even willing to share my house unless it’s paid for like I do in my wild side retreats.

• Despite my facebook disclaimer of “I may not reply unless it’s FOR work” I still get a shocking amount of private attention-seeking messages from men which I wildly choose to ignore because I know those would rarely meet my standards. Sometimes I do engage briefly with those who defy my bio sentence and I have even met with some of those to double-check my facts when it comes to a man’s eligibility (where else do you think I get all of this knowledge from :P?, even when I seem to act random, trust me “there is method to my madness”). And yes, in the end they rarely meet them.

• I have pretty high f***ing standards. You can read and interpret this sentence any way you want and you’d probably still be right. Not everyone can keep up with me. ;P

• I won’t settle for less than what I want/deserve nor will I let anyone settle for me. And I damn well know the difference and how it feels like when someone is settling for you than when someone is actively choosing you.

• I’m not big on patience and second chances. The moment I spot the red flags I work on sabotaging the connection and I’ll even make it look like it’s their decision.

• Destiny, fate, luck, chance, the universe -or whatever you want to call it- will do the job of putting such a person in my life and then in order for me to even take it seriously it will have to feel unavoidable for a few times… and then if they’re the one they’ll push the button straight away and that’s the only way I may want to entertain and explore the connection further.

• Those who want my time will have to man up and earn it. It’s not a question of having unhealed trust issues (which I may also have) but more a question of being practical and intentional on how I spend my time to make money. Only those who are single, only those who truly go out of their way to make a move will be worth my time investment on them.

You may think that by having incredibly high standards and avoiding 99,8% of available men out there (the single ones on dating sites) and rejecting the 0,2% that are blissfully unaware of this challenge (all those that accidentally bump into me in real life social situations) will have it almost impossible to have anyone coming my way.

Well, that’s precisely the goal of this challenge. The smallest the chance to succeed at it the greater the glory if I do end up succeeding at it. After all I need more time to work. So this narrows down distractions a lot.

And the goal is only to prove anyone that comes across my content that YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER SETTLE FOR LESS than what you truly want.

DON’T BE AFRAID of the what ifs. What if you can’t find any better? what if you’re being too picky? what if I push all me away? what if what I want MAY NOT EVEN EXIST.

And a lot of people may read and be shocked in disbelief… they’ll probably think and I’ve been told many times that I’m losing a lot of opportunities of getting to know great people this way.

But I honestly pay no attention to such opinions because I’m very confident of what I want and these four-meter tall two-meter wide electrified walls have been perfectly designed to keep out anyone who doesn’t meet my basic standards. Let alone the relationship ones.

And yet these walls won’t scare the one nor would put him off of me. If they do then it means he’s simply not the one for me. Period.

I win either way. On one hand I avoid/ block distractions and focus on the work I need to thrive on my own… or if there is people that manage to get through these walls… I’ll get to know people that will actually be worth me taking time off thriving off by myself.

Does that make me crazy? Possibly. But to me all the best people are!!.

Perhaps I just want someone as crazy as I am. One who also gets exactly what they want out of life whilst having fun doing so. Mostly because we are confident and positive that somehow we will get what we want, even if there is no physical evidence of it happening yet. 😀

But you know what’s really crazy?? It’s been happening all along ever since I got divorced and I raised my standards and walls!!

Even when I’m not looking I’m attracting only the kind of men I would/could be potentially interested in or attracted to, those who have a purpose in life and are already working towards achieving their dreams, those who are already living the life of their dreams and most importantly, those who are treating me like a queen from day one ;D. And it’s been seven years of that thus far.

And it’s been so sad because in the end I had to let a lot of those men go because I’m just not settling for anyone that only meets 95% of the criteria. This time I want the 100%.

And each time any of these men display they no longer meet the criteria… or I discover parts of their character I am not willing to entertain a more suitable person comes along literally out of nowhere -each-single-time- and sometimes they even do so the following day or week after I decide to let the previous one go.

When do you want it for?

Set up a time for it to happen…

I have been met quite some men ever since… and yes, none of them ended up being the one… but some of them were pretty damn close.

At the moment I keep moving the deadline. As I continue to have bigger and bigger business dreams to achieve. So unless the person meets a 100% of everything I would like to find … it’s not even worth my attention deviating from my business goals to meet them and see if they actually qualify.

STEP THREE: HOW AM I DOING THIS?

I’m applying all the steps I mention on the blog entry “Dreams come true“.

• VISION BOARD.

Just browse through the internet and choose the type of man or woman you find physically and mentally attractive. Now realize that you don’t want that person in particular, you just want someone that resembles them in appearance as well as all the desirable personality traits you think they have together with the ones you’re unsure if they’ll have but you have to wish they have.

In fact, it’s more important to focus on the kind of relationship you would like to have than the the man itself. Because after all, if you find a shocking physical match to the one you want physically but they can’t offer you the kind of relationship you would like to experience… then, what’s the point of said relationship??

The vision board works like a charm. In fact I already have enjoyed that kind of passionate relationship of luxury trips, fun, and adventure that my ex-husband refused to entertain and tried to persuade me consistently that only existed in fairy tales or in my wildest dreams.

But do you remember what I just said above? I’m crazy, and I don’t let other people’s opinions or excuses tell me what’s possible for me to get out of a love relationship and I refuse to settle.

It may be impossible for my ex to love someone as much or as deeply as to simply want to try their best consistently to make someone else’s life feel as magical and special as it could be by their side. Mind you, it’s not like I chose wrong, it’s not like he didn’t do those things at first. Because trust me, if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have chosen him. He knew there was no other way to hang out with me so he did such things. But the moment he dropped the act and expected me to deal with less it’s the moment I wanted out and I got out.

And ironically enough that kind of fairy tale love he knew I wanted all along and he was unwilling to provide for me suddenly became way too real too soon for me shortly after I divorced him.

Go figure!! In less than two weeks the new person showed up in my reality with all the characteristics I listed that if I ever got another person that’s how they should be.

• LOOK AT THAT BOARD ONCE DAILY AND FEEL IT.

I must be honest. I keep forgetting to look at it and feel it daily.

However I already know how I want to feel. So I just close my eyes and feel it. In fact, I’ve already had it. So it’s easy to recreate such feeling.

• FIND MUSIC THAT CHALLENGES YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS.

Limiting beliefs don’t have to be real but they sure can sabotage any new connections we make.

One of my limiting beliefs when it comes to love and relationships for example is that a love relationship takes a lot of time and implies making tons of daily sacrifices and compromises I’m not yet ready to make due to other major priorities in life.

Just to be clear on this; faithfulness, loyalty and exclusiveness are kind of natural to me. However my sense of freedom, peace of mind and amount of time and effort I can afford investing in a relationship at this very particular moment in my life are not negotiable.

I found the song below by accident and the lyrics were extremely relatable as I’m usually the one that is always breaking up relationships the moment I notice my feelings have changed, be that because their efforts have dropped significantly because they seem to take me for granted or because I feel we no longer have the same long term goals and vision of the future in mind.

The only thing I don’t like about the song is the forever word expressed with “a thousand lives”, but again, that’s a limiting belief I particularly have. I want to change such belief to “relationship can be amazing for good with the one meant for us” as then we will both be committed to master the art of keeping things easy going, fun, making sure each of our encounters are exciting, fiery, different, interesting, loving and respectful. Then, and only under such conditions perhaps the forever bit it’s kind of possible, but only by entertaining the art of living one night at a time for as long as their personality and the idea they sold me of themselves remain the same.

This song even addresses the fact that they’re not even looking for love when it finds them. And in my case, it’s gonna have to be that way because unless it’s work-related I will be entertaining no man just for the sake of it.

Perhaps I could do so for learning purposes, but I only entertain those when I have a little time to spare… but that is rarely the case. So basically, unless they find me out and about by random chance in my immediate and unavoidable reality… I’m out of reach for men in general. But if I happen to bump into them clubbing with friends or at the gym then I can be social because that’s who I really am. If I don’t want to see them again I even give them my mobile phone so they give up the chase on their own. ;D

LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

STEP 3: BE VERY SPECIFIC

Why so specific?

Well, I already married the only man I once saw at age 21 and said to my friend: “You know I don’t ever want to get married nor have kids but with someone who looks like him I wouldn’t mind waking up next to every morning. He looks like the perfect husband and the perfect dad, doesn’t he? But definitely not now, I’m too young and I want to enjoy being single for a looong while first”.

Can you see where I went wrong?

In case you missed it is in the: “He looks …. and looks like” which is obviously not the same as BEING. Big BIG difference there. Looks can be deceiving as we all know. And if it didn’t end well it would have been entirely my fault for mostly focusing on those physical attributes to begin with. Paired with me ignoring my intuition that I shouldn’t tell a man what he’s doing wrong. That if he can’t figure out on his own…. perhaps relationship is not even worth having. But back then I thought trying was good enough bearing in mind I had such a big crush on him and somehow in my mind he stayed as the only person I wouldn’t mind marrying. Like I never had it so clear in my mind. In fact I even broke up previous relationship because in my mind I was destined for more, for a foreign husband and kids or something.

I obviously had time to meet him and assess him better and I wouldn’t have chosen him if back then he didn’t meet at least 95% of my standards at that time. So in a way, at that point in time we could say that I married “the one“.

But there were red flags I chose to ignore, I tried to work through them, communicate my standards, which usually at the time he followed but later dropped. And I am not one that wants to waste time of her life reminding someone continuously of what they apparently wanted to do.

And it’s thanks to that experience that these days if it’s not a 100% I’m not interested.

Why? Simply because perhaps I have spent 10 years of my life in a relationship that should not have lasted more than 10 months or 10 days had I left the moment it became clear that those things I expected of a relationship didn’t come natural to him.

I don’t regret any of it because for someone who didn’t even plan to have kids or ever getting married I ended up having the most loving and well behaved kids ever, and it’s also thanks to him not being responsible enough to pay child support as he should that I have to work twice as hard to earn a decent living and pay the bills of a house that goes way beyond my wildest dreams. And I rather do that than giving time of day to men who are not displaying the traits I want to see in a man from the get go.

So when it comes to you creating that list of attributes you wish to find in your specific person…

Make sure you wish also for them to be mentally and physically healthy for good, make sure you wish that they are truly confident (and not just a façade), that they’re thoughtful, that they speak the same love language or understand your love language and is willing to please you in that sense, make sure they’re forgiving, sexually pleasing, helpful, supportive and whatever you think you need out of a relationship.

Leave no room for imagination. I mean it. Please, this is for your own good. If can’t think of all attributes that they could potentially miss because you thought it was a given, if unsure of what else to wish for… then wish that you will both continue surprising each other on a daily basis to keep relationship feel like a safe haven and something truly magical and worth having.

And since we’re dreaming and creating your future relationship here, please hope that there is nothing too wrong that you two have to tolerate from each other. Pray for open communication, honest conversations, deep willingness to understand and compromise with each other in a way that it won’t create resentment. Hope that they’re the type that will ensure they avoid things that you already told them you find hurtful. Hope as well that they’re free from addictions, that they’re resolute, diligent, responsible, etc. Above all, picture your future relationship with someone who will respect your decisions and your boundaries at any given time without you having to go out of your way to defend your own choices and decisions.

They won’t be perfect, nobody is, nobody will be, so hope for little quirks and personality traits that you will find easy to tolerate without getting frustrated or too mad about them. They have to be perfect for you, imperfections included.

And all along, remember that love doesn’t hurt. What makes most people suffer in relationships is not love itself but the actual absence of it.

STEP 4: REFUSE OR REJECT ANYTHING THAT IS LESS THAN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.

DON’T BE FOOLED OR SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT.

If they don’t act like you think the person you want in your life should act get them out of your life as soon as possible. Block them off your phone, don’t allow them access to your energy ever again. Keeping them there kind of hoping one day they will actually raise to meet your standards if you are patient enough to stick around is not the smart way to go. Chances are that they will only take you for granted.

If they were a real match to what you’re hoping to find they would have met your standards organically by them being who they truly are. And you need to fall in love with that person for who they truly are. Not for who you want them to be.

Become so confident of what you truly want that you can easily detach yourself from anything or anyone that is not it. Learn how to fight loneliness on your own so being alone doesn’t scare you as much as wasting your precious unknown time on earth with the wrong person should do.

Learn to have your own goals. I have been dreaming for ages with the life I currently have and I keep adding to it. This feeling of freedom is priceless and in order for me to want to compromise losing any of it whoever who wants to join me has to show me efficiently that they can positively add to the level of freedom and lifestyle I already have achieved on my own. And you can imagine how bad I want it that I don’t even allow the a chance to come near. ;D

STEP 5: SONGS THAT MAY HELP YOU GET THE ONE.

Even if they’re not reaching out now or if they haven’t shown up in your reality yet.

Remember… it’s a DREAM, so it’s up to you what you dream about. The more vivid you have the vision in your mind the most likely it is that you will get it.

But if you think it’s not possible for you to find such a person or if you think you’re asking for too much and you start entertaining whatever easy option comes your way with the “let’s give him a chance” or “let’s see where this goes” then what you truly want will never find room to show up in your reality. One has to be disciplined enough to say “no” to everything that it’s not IT.

If necessary, become the one for yourself. Become what you want them to be for you. That way you won’t even need anyone to come along. And that’s the most magnetic quality you can have to attract someone worth your while.

And in that process play uplifting and hopeful songs like this one with a concrete date in mind for that to happen and move on with other life goals because apparently and judging by this song it can take some people like 700 hundred times to realize how much it hurts them not having you around, and then it may hurt them many more times until they finally decide to make a bold move and do whatever it takes to try achieving that possibility with you. But until that day comes, I, in particularly, will be only having money on my mind, and I strongly recommend you make sure you have whatever you feel you’re lacking currently under control. So when the person finally shows up you’re 100% ready to welcome and embrace them in your life.

And don’t get me wrong, the one may or may not have shown up yet for me but I won’t make that public because it’s gonna be a slow process getting to know them in order to ensure they are really The One. All I can say is that some are dangerously close calls of becoming the one and just thinking about it is scaring the hell out of me of how efficient this method is no matter how picky you are.

And to anyone reading this that I may have previously rejected and could potentially feel offended by it. Honestly, some of my standards have nothing to do with your value as a man. You might be flawless and have the best of intentions for me and I may not choose you just because in my mind I know exactly what I want and how it looks like. Perhaps you’re amazing but perhaps I prefer a foreign native speaker of any other language I don’t speak yet fluently enough because that aligns much better with my goals. Perhaps I prefer them to be this or that other way. And none of my choices have to do with your worth at all.

Perhaps I want someone who is also working on their own business so we can build something together and grow. Perhaps I’m looking for someone who has a well established job elsewhere so there is no clash of egos. Etc.

And perhaps right now is early days of course, but hey, if I can’t see how that could work like really really fast I quickly lose all interest in that person. You can be great and meet 99,9% of all those things I’d like to entertain in a person and yet happen to live far away and at this moment in time I just don’t have the time to invest to see if it will work out once you get closer to where I live, because I live in the here and now.

Perhaps you may not be able to afford the lifestyle I want to enjoy from now onwards simply because you have other priorities in life at the moment, etc etc. And I just don’t want to experience ANY limitations on the amount of fun we could have dating, trying new sports, new challenges, new places, new foods or simple new highs because you’re not able yet to make it happen right here right now.

However, I can’t deny that most men I avoid/reject it’s because they do things that put me completely off of them temporarily or permanently, and some of those things are quite easy to fix if only the majority of men became aware of them and wanted to work on themselves to fix them.

Any questions? drop them on the comment section below.

If you want to get the full playlist I have arranged for me to get results this fast please subscribe to my blog and you’ll have access to that playlist and plenty more to get you feeling in the right mood to achieve what you have set yourself to achieve.

If you like this content, find it helpful or inspiring, please donate to my cause here.

And If you think you’ve found the one but circumstances are not helping, book a slot of my time here and I’ll help you figure out the best action to make it happen.

Thank you very much.